Snooki Wants to be Like Jessica Simpson

File this under: Never going to happen, you pickle eating Oompa Loompa. Jersey Shore’s Snooki, real name Nicole Polizzi, did an interview with Rolling Stone and gave a bunch of quotes that makes her seem out of touch with reality. Firstly, if you’re wondering, she does realize she looks like a drunken mess half the time.

Polizzi says that she always watches Jersey Shore, but she rarely likes what she sees. “If I do something stupid, which is pretty much the whole time, I hate it,” she says. “I just hate it. Obviously, they’re only going to put the good stuff in, and the good stuff is us drunk, so all I’m seeing is me drunk and falling down. That’s how I am when I party, but some of the stuff I do is, like, ‘Really, Nicole?’ I look like a freakin’ alcoholic. I’m like, ‘You’re sweating, your makeup is running, you look gross.’ I just look like s**t.”

Secondly, she plans on turning herself into a brand like Jessica Simpson did. How she’s going to do this without talent or good looks is beyond me.

Polizzi has big plans for her future. “When Jersey Shore ends I’m going to do more spinoffs,” she says. “If MTV doesn’t want them, another network will be, like, ‘What does Snooki do now?’ or ‘Snooki’s getting married!’ What I’d like is to turn out like Jessica Simpson, with her whole brand. She makes millions…I’m trying to build an empire, because after this I can’t get a normal job. I mean, how do I go and sit behind a desk?”

I’d be surprised if she even got her face on a jar of pickles. Although she may have already struck a secret deal with Starbucks. This might be hard to hear, but no one is going to wonder “What’s Snooki doing now” unless they’re VH1 and out of ideas for new I Love the [insert decade here] shows. Even then, that would be a simple question to answer. Face down on the floor in the men’s bathroom at a club.

Later on in the interview, Snooki claims to have only slept with one person on the show. Her boyfriend.

Despite the endless parade of men in her bed, Polizzi rarely goes all the way with her smush partners. “The only person I’ve had sex with on Jersey Shore is my boyfriend,” she says. “The guys you see me bring home, we’re only cuddling and making out like any other person would do, but we’re on camera and the whole world’s seeing it, and it does look like I’m having sex.”

I hope this is true. The less chance Snooki has to procreate the better. We don’t need mini-Snookis slithering out of her vag running around looking for people to smush.

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Platinum Pickle
Platinum Pickle
10 years ago

WoW: “I’m trying to build an empire, because after this I can’t get a normal job. I mean, how do I go and sit behind a desk?”” <—Obviously Polizzi doesn't have a PR agent to guide her on what NOT to EVER say in public! That is politically incorrect & can be taken as an insult to all the little poor people who actually have to "sit behind a desk" on a daily basis to make ends meet. Bad Snook, bad move hahaa. Holier than thou comments never sit well with the masses.

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