Hugh Hefner Denies Lasting Only Two Seconds

Yesterday, Hugh Hefner’s ex-fiancee, Crystal Harris, opened up to Howard Stern about sex with Hef. It wasn’t flattering and she claims they only did it once. Crystal said, “[It lasted] like two seconds. Then I was just over it. I was like, ‘Ahh,’ I was over it, just like, walked away. I’m not turned on by Hef. Sorry.” She added that instead of sex, Hef just liked to cuddle. Aw, Hugh Hefner is a widdle cuddle bwear.

Basically, agreeing to marry Hef for a brief moment was a ploy to squeeze as much publicity from this relationship as possible. What a sweet girl.

Hef, not wanting his old withered ball sack dragged through the mud, responded in a series of since deleted tweets. Hef says Crystal played him. Wait, wasn’t that obvious from the start? 25-year-olds don’t marry 85-year-olds out of love. Apparently with age does not come wisdom. That or he was blinded by love and Viagra.

– The sex with Crystal the first night was good enough so that I kept her over two more nights.

– Crystal lied about our relationship on Howard Stern but I don’t know why.

– When I said, “I missed a bullet” when Crystal left, I didn’t mean I didn’t love her. I meant I realized she really didn’t love me.

– I feel sorry for Crystal. She seems lost.

– Crystal convinced me that she adored me. That was the first lie.

– I’m happy to be in a better place with new girlfriends Anna Sophia Berglund & Shera Bechard. (via Dlisted)

Oh, whatever. The dude is near death. I’d be surprised if even Viagra could give him an erection. Ghosts probably shoot out of his wang when he comes.

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