A Q&A With Snooki

Much like most of America, GQ wanted to know a little more about Snooki so they sat her down in a booster seat for a little Q&A. There’s nothing too revealing here. Every answer just reaffirms what we think we know about Snooki. Anyway, here’s some select quotes with my thoughts.

GQ: So, I’ve got to ask: You’ve really never heard of J.K. Rowling or Maya Angelou?
Snooki: I don’t read. I don’t like to read Harry Potter or anything like that. It’s not my style. (How many unpublished authors cried at this point?)

GQ: Fair point. What is your favorite book?
Snooki: Dear John. I read that in a day because it was so amazing. And then I ended up seeing the movie and it was really good. We were supposed to read in high school but I never did because I just used the CliffsNotes, books were too long.

GQ: What’s the plot of your next novel, which is already finished, Gorilla Beach.
Snooki: Well, Gia and her cousin go to the casino and they end up stealing something very important from the casino owner. It’s just a lot of drama but in the end, of course, they always win. (This should be required reading for kids)

GQ: You give a lot of relationship advice in this new book, Confessions of a Guidette. What’s your ideal first date?
Snooki: Probably Ruby Tuesday’s or Dave and Buster’s. (A simple woman with simple tastes. If you took her to the Olive Garden, you’re probably getting laid.)

GQ: Great places! What do you think about Snooki being one of the most purchased Halloween costumes this year.
Snooki: I’m very flattered, I want it to be number one. Why not? Everyone wants to be me for a night. (They’re laughing at you, not with you, sweetie.)

GQ: Out of the GOP candidates, those that were rumored, dropped out or are still in it, who would you vote for?
Snooki: Donald Trump, I would vote for him. Trump would make this country better I feel. He gets s**t done. (Only if there’s a camera in front of his face.)

GQ: If you were producing Jersey Shore, what would you do differently?
Snooki: I wouldn’t show as much drinking and partying. I would show more of us chilling out and having a good time—which they don’t show. We don’t even drink those nights, but we laugh all night. They don’t show anything but us drinking and hooking up. (Hey, you suck at producing television shows.)

GQ: What do you think people’s perception is of you guys?
Snooki: They just think that we’re stupid, that we have no education, and all we do is drink, have sex.

GQ: Do you want to change that?
Snooki: Oh, I would love to. I have an education, I went to college, you know? (Whoa, wait, what?)

GQ: What was your major?
Snooki: Veterinarian tech. Test me and bring me to a hospital. I can induce an animal, do surgery, do anesthesia, and take blood. So if you want to tell me I’m stupid again, let’s go to an animal hospital. (I’ve never heard a person demand to be taken to an animal hospital to prove their intelligence, but okay, sure.)

GQ: What’s an animal that you’ve worked with before?
Snooki: I did dogs and cats. I’ve actually worked with ducks, drew blood from a horse, and stuck my hand in a cow’s ass. (That’s no way to talk about JWoww.)

GQ: So what do you spend your money on?
Snooki: I save it. Jersey Shore is going to end soon. I’m not going to spend money like Mike [The Situation]. He’s already broke! (She may be college educated after all.)

GQ: You have a camera on you nearly all the time these days. Is there anything we don’t know about you?
Snooki: I don’t think so. I just know that I’m going to be 98 pounds again and everyone can suck it. (98 pounds on which planet?)