ESC

Michael Bay Tells ‘Ninja Turtle’ Fans to Calm Down

After news that not only is Michael Bay producing a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie but that he’s changing their origin story from turtles mutated by green ooze to “these turtles are from an alien race, and they’re going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable [ed. note: studio buzz words!],” fans naturally experienced heightened levels of nerd rage and told Michael he was raping their childhood. Which you’ll know is going to happen if you’ve seen Transformers.

Well, Michael Bay has heard your concerns and wants you to calm down, maybe take a puff from that inhaler, dingus. On his forum, Shoot for the Edit, where all his sycophants hang out, Bay posted,

Fans need to take a breath, and chill. They have not read the script. Our team is working closely with one of the original creators of Ninja Turtles to help expand and give a more complex back story. Relax, we are including everything that made you become fans in the first place. We are just building a richer world.

Translation: No one has read the script, thank god. We’re paying one of the original creators loads of money to lend credibility to the film. Relax, we are including an updated Vanilla Ice dance sequence. Maybe with Justin Bieber. We are just building a richer world. Constructed with bags of money we’re going to make off your nostalgia. Suckers!

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