Snooki Will Film Herself Giving Birth

The United States needed a new weapon to use for the war on terror. Something that would strike fear in our enemy’s hearts. Enter a pregnant Snooki who unwittingly became America’s greatest asset. You’re probably wondering how this orange pickled-breath dwarf could help us. Two words. Birthing video. You may now commence your shrieks of terror.

The mommy-to-be and Jersey Shore star says she and fiancĂ© Jionni LaValle will film their son Lorenzo’s arrival, but it will not be for public viewing.

“Jionni doesn’t want that,” Snookers tells me. “He wants it to be private and I totally respect him for that. But I’m going to record it for myself because I want to remember that moment. And I want to show Lorenzo when he’s like 16 in front of all his friends and embarrass him.”

This may be going a little too far. You want to embarrass your kid? Fine. Show his friends naked pictures of him from when he was a kid. You want your son to be mercilessly pummeled by his friends while tears stream down their faces? Show them your birthing video.

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