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Rosie O’Donnell Had a Heart Attack Last Week

Speaking in prose, Rosie O’Donnel recounted the time last week when she had a heart attack struggling to help a fat lady get out of her car. Oh, the irony. Well, near irony as I assume the woman would have had her own heart attack had no one helped her.

here is what happened
on tuesday morning
while walking in a parking lot in nyack
i heard a loud commanding voice

“can u help me”

more of a demand than request
a challenge – a plea
i turned and saw an enormous woman
struggling to get out of her car

she was stuck

Rosie must have seen some of herself or maybe all of herself or maybe even two of herself in her because she decided to help.

“can u help me? she asked again
as i walked toward her
“oh u r rosie odonnell”
yes i am

the ghost of christmas future
me – if i did not wake
there r no accidents i thought
as i braced myself and lifted her

it was not easy
but together we did it
she was up and on her way
with gratitude

Did she really think this was a good idea? Doesn’t she get winded after a flight of stairs? Is any physical exertion for Rosie beyond popping a donut hole in her mouth safe? Apparently not.

a few hours later my body hurt
i had an ache in my chest
both my arms were sore
everything felt bruised

muscular – i thought
strained or pulled tissue
i went about my day
the pain persisted

i became nauseous
my skin was clammy
i was very very hot
i threw up

maybe this is a heart attack
i googled womens heart attack symptoms
i had many of them
but really? – i thought – naaaa

i took some bayer aspirin
thank god
saved by a tv commercial
literally

“I think I’m having a heart attack. I think I’ll Google it. Yea, this sounds like a heart attack but this can’t be. I’m so healthy. I’ll just take some aspirin like the tv told me to. TV would never lie to me.”

did not call 911
50% of women having heart attacks never call 911
200,000 women die of heart attacks
every year in the US

by some miracle i was not one of them
the next day i went to a cardiologist
the dr did an EKG and sent me to the hospital
where a stent was put in

my LAD was 99% blocked
they call this type of heart attack
the Widow maker
i am lucky to be here

Well, you know what they say. You live by the cupcake, you die by the cupcake and sometimes you die by helping a woman out of a car who, like you, has had one too many of those cupcakes. I think Winston Churchill said that.

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