Magic Johnson Sued, Needed Red Vines Squeezed

I wanted to write about this suit because, well, everything in it is ridiculous.

45-year-old Lanita Thomas filed a lawsuit in L.A. County Superior Court against Magic Johnson claiming he was lying when he told her she was let go because she came to work late.

Johnson, who’s allegedly very particular about his snacks being fresh, would force Lanita, who served as his personal flight attendant, to “regularly squeeze his red vines to make sure they were soft.” God, I hope that’s some sort of euphemism for a handjob. “Guh, come squeeze my red vines baby. Yea… just like that. I want it real warm and soft.”

Lanita says the real reason Magic fired her is because he wanted a “substantially younger woman” to squeeze his red vines. Well, don’t we all? I wish I had a youngish woman to squeeze my red vines but all I can afford are these old ladies from the retirement home. They can barely make a fist!

Thomas claims she was 15 minutes late to work one day because Magic insists on two specific types of turkey meat on his sandwiches which led to her being held up at the deli counter and that he used that as an excuse to fire her. She’s asking for unspecified damages.

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