Taylor Swift’s Vanity Fair Story Is What You Thought It’d Be

Vanity Fair did a cover story on Taylor Swift which you can read part of here. It’s exactly what you think a cover story of Taylor Swift would be like. Fully of whimsy and whining. She complains about the media unfairly portraying her love life (she’s only dated two people since 2010 she says) and whines about Tina Fey and Amy Poehler making fun of her.

No joke, part of the story reads, “As she sits drinking lavender lemonade in her ‘Tim Burton–Alice in Wonderland–pirate ship–Peter Pan’ apartment, Swift continues, ‘It’s why I have to avoid the tabloid part of our culture, because they turn you into a fictional character.'”

She’s sitting in her Tim Burton–Alice in Wonderland–pirate ship–Peter Pan apartment sipping lavender lemonade complaining about how the tabloids have turned her into a fictional character. It’s surprising she can even breathe under the crushing weight of this irony.

Swift also implies Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are going to hell for mocking her love life at the Golden Globes. “You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people. Because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, ‘There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.'”

Exactly. Because when you’re a woman, you can’t call other women out on their bullsh*t. Don’t you know what girl power is Tina Fey and Amy Poehler? Why are you betraying your ovaries?!

Although Swift doesn’t go into the details of her relationships, unless she’s singing about it, she authorized someone to talk it.

Harry Styles: “He wore her down,” the source says of Styles, who allegedly “chased” Swift for a year. “He was all, like, ‘You’re amazing—I want to be with you. I want to do this.’” The relationship fell apart after he texted Swift to alert her of a picture on the Internet of him kissing a friend good-bye. They were “making out like with their hands all up in each other’s hair,” says the source. After Swift ended the relationship, he pursued her for the better part of a year until she finally took him back. “But the whole time she says she feels like he’s looking at every girl,” the source continues. And then when they were in London together he “disappears one night and after that it was like he just didn’t want to keep going.” Styles’s rep, Benny Tarantini at Columbia Records, said that all of Swift’s source’s claims are “undeniably false.”

Conor Kennedy: “It was like a pendulum for her, swinging back and forth,” the source says of Swift’s exes, with all of whom age has been a problem. Conor Kennedy, 17 at the time, was “just like a two-month thing,” the source continues, and Swift “says he was awesome.” The source says, “She dated Jake [Gyllenhaal] and John [Mayer] when she was really young and they were in their 30s, and she got really hurt. So it was like ‘That hurt—this won’t. But then it did.’”

It’s okay if you put your head in your hands and sighed. I think that’s expected.