We Need to Figure Out Who Stole Michael Bay’s Sex Toys

In an interview with The Daily Beast, Michael Bay talks about whatever Michael Bay likes to talk about. Ferraris, tits, explosions? Whatever it was, that’s not important. What is important is someone stole $75,000 worth of sex toys from the set of his latest film Pain & Gain.

There was plenty of testosterone on the set of Pain and Gain. What’s the craziest thing that happened while filming?
We bought $75,000 worth of sex toys to stock the sex-toy warehouse. I could have filmed the crew coming in that day because they’d stop and see these things—anatomically correct vajayjays and this butt (everyone would touch the butt because it felt real)—and it was hysterical. We were going to return all the sex toys to get three-quarters of our money back, but they started disappearing. We were like, “Who is taking the sex toys?”

By the way he words it, I don’t think the entire lot of sex toys was stolen because that would take a lot of time and you can’t hide all those toys in your drawer under your bible like you would just one “anatomically correct vajayjay.” FilmDrunk has a list of suspects and has already ruled out Marky Mark on account of his stubby arms. According to them, “That leaves Tony Shalhoub, The Rock, Anthony Mackie, assorted dwarves, and the crew.”

If you ask me, I think the heist was pulled off by none other than Michael Bay himself. He looks like the kind of man who’d enjoy a lifelike butt. I imagine him poking it when he got home and giggling every single time. Plus, he’s still going to be making movies, right? He can’t have every girl wash his Ferrari. He must have a hundred videos of that by now. With his new “props” he can just turn on the camera, throw them a butt plug and say, “Show me what you got.”

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