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Dissecting Alison Gold’s ‘Chinese Food’

Remember Rebecca Black? I’ll take you threatening to stab your ears with a chopstick as a yes. Well, you may or may not have heard of the man behind Rebecca Black. His name is Patrice Wilson. He wrote and produced her music video. His Kidz Music Factory (I don’t know if it’s called that but the name seems appropriate) blew up after Rebecca Black struck it big. Ever since, he’s continued to make terrible music video after terrible music video for any child whose parent is willing to pay $1,000 or so.  It’s not clear whether his videos are deliberately terrible or if he is just a terrible person.

Anyway, I thought it’d be fun to dissect his latest music video which was commissioned by Alison Gold and is titled “Chinese Food.” Numbers indicate the timestamp.

0:00 – A Chinese guy speaking mandarin while working a Mongolian bbq. This video has gotten off to a fantastic start.

0:15 – A rainbow shoots out of the wok for no reason whatsoever.

0:16 – A blonde tween appears singing about going bowling and then clubbing and then hugging and then getting hungry. I don’t know what’s more confusing, these lyrics or the fact the subtitles are in different languages. Oh and clubs must close really early where she is because it looks to be 2 in the afternoon.

0:30 – Apparently hunger makes her angry because she starts causing wanton destruction.

0:45 – Wait, a Chinese restaurant taking American Express? This can’t be an authentic Chinese restaurant.

0:58 – Is this girl really making it rain chow mein?

1:06 – Why is the cashier typing on the cash register like it’s a keyboard? And why is the number on the register not changing even though she’s typing with such purpose?

1:17 – That food looks awful.

1:36 – Chinese food makes her feel “so so good.” Wow, don’t sell it too hard, girl.

1:42 – Her fortune cookie says she’ll find a new friend. Turns out it’s a guy in a panda suit? Yay?

1:46 – Now the guy in the panda suit is holding her hand while skipping through the park. This is getting creepy. This is something parents warn their kids not to do. Well, not this specifically, but you know what I mean.

2:03 – Now they’re frolicking in the grass. Getting super creepy.

2:14 – And the guy in the panda suit is… Patrice Wilson! There are so many things wrong here. First and foremost, why is this guy trying to party with preteens in all his music videos?

2:22 – He put the dog on Oriental Avenue… Wow. Also, I don’t know what language the subtitles are in at this point, but in the middle it says “cuz.”

2:36 – It’s pretty obvious this guy doesn’t know how to eat Chinese food. Who fingers their sauce like that?

2:43 – Oh, Panda Express. That explains the terrible looking food and them taking Amex.

2:45 – Yikes. These kids are dressed up as geishas. Geishas are Japanese. I don’t know what else to say. I’ll just sit here cringing.

2:56 – Super ultra creepy. It’s an old dude dressed as a panda pillow fighting with a bunch of preteen girls. Chris Hansen would like a word with this guy.

3:14 – Patrice Panda blasts off on a rainbow, destroying the roof of her mansion in the process.

3:23 – Of course there’s a gong at the end. Can’t forget that.

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KIRFed
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KIRFed

The guy speaking mandarin is legit, Mongolian BBQ is a Taiwanese creation. The rest is just as awful as you said.

The Blemish
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Was more pointing out how the tone of the video is set right in the first 0 seconds.

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