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There Is No God. Mila Kunis Is Pregnant With Ashton Kutcher’s Bastard Child

One month after a source confirmed their engagement, multiple sources are confirming to Us that Mila Kunis is pregnant with Ashton Kutcher’s baby proving that the world is both unfair and unjust.

“This is something they both wanted,” one insider tells Us. “They are both so happy.”

Another source says Kutcher is “very happy” with the news of his fiancee’s pregnancy, although he still remains resolutely private about his personal life. “Ashton has been very private and cut off more than he usually is,” the insider tells Us. But, the Two and a Half Men star has been chatting with a longtime pal who is newly-familiar with fatherhood.

Last time he wasn’t so private, everyone found out he was cheating on Demi Moore. It’s good to know he’s learned from his mistakes.

“I know they are planning on being as quiet about their life together as possible,” the insider adds of Kutcher and Kunis.

Good because the less I’m reminded that this douchebag gets to bang Mila Kunis without a condom, the less I’ll seethe with blind rage.

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So, she’ll deliver it rectally? That butt pirate only goes for stink, not pink.

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