ESC

Alicia Silverstone Wrote a Parenting Book Full of WTF

When we last left Alicia Silverstone on her parenting journey, she was chewing up food and baby-birding it into her kid’s mouth. Now she has a parenting book out that talks about this and other parenting tips.

The book, The Kind Mama: A Simple Guide to Supercharged Fertility, a Radiant Pregnancy, a Sweeter Birth, and a Healthier, More Beautiful Beginning, is a look into what a person would be like if they believed in every parenting conspiracy theory, pseudoscience and new age retardation spoonfed to them. The Daily Beast was nice enough to read it and tell us what kind of crazy Alicia Silverstone really is.

1. Meat, dairy and processed foods make up toxic sludge which builds up in your uterus. You don’t want toxic sludge in your “baby house” do you? Rhetorical question. Of course you don’t or else you’d be an awful mother.

2. Being vegan means you’re immune to everything. Plants boost your odds of conceiving, allow you to have a transcendent pregnancy, help fight cancer, heart disease, diabetes and remove your dependency on pharmaceutical drugs which treat things like depression, type 2 diabetes and hypertension. Being a vegan sounds great. It makes you superman.

3. Breast milk cures everything. “It’s a natural antibiotic and has almost otherworldly power to both soothe and heal.” Brb. Going to suck on a breast right now.

4. Remember the toxic sludge of meats? Well, being a vegan also cures postpartum depression. Plants are nature’s little miracles.

5. “[Y]our chichi is the most absorbent part of your body. Unfortunately, feminine-care manufacturers aren’t required to tell you what’s in their products, which means that no one’s talking about the potential pesticide residues from non-organic cotton and the ‘fragrances’ containing hormone-upsetting, fertility-knocking phthalates that are snuggling up to your hoo-ha.” Yea, so stop using tampons.

6. Diapers are pseudoscience. You should just let your baby poo in the grass or on the floor like a dog. Alicia did it and her kid was potty trained in 6 months.

7. Vaccines are the devil. Alicia says some babies are never the same after receiving a vaccine. She personally has friends whose babies were “drastically affected in this way.” Anecdotal evidence from a celebrity and her friends. Can’t get more scientific than that.

8. Not sharing the bed with your baby is neglect. Look. Do you want a mama’s boy or not?

9. Having a kid is easy. Just be vegan and just let it happen. “There’s no better way to make a baby than with yummy, soulful sex!” Oh… so this angry, vengeful sex I’m doing right now isn’t working? Good.

1
Leave a Reply

avatar
1 Comment threads
0 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
1 Comment authors
Lane Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
newest oldest most voted
Notify of
Lane
Guest
Lane

Wow Victor, you’re extremely offensive and really really dumb.

-A meat-eating Anthropologist who vaccinated her children

Latest
Load more