Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin Had an Open Relationship, Paltrow Is a Nagging Shrew

Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow had been on and off for years, disagreed on how to raise their children and even had an open marriage claim new reports. A source tells PEOPLE that “the marriage was falling apart” and “they  have been on and off for many years.”

Meanwhile, another source tells Us Weekly that Gwyneth picked on Chris for years. “Gwyneth would snipe at Chris and say things to him like ‘You’re such a moron.'” Chris, who never fought back, couldn’t take it anymore. What did she say to him? She “would totally make fun of the way he ate and what he ordered when they ate out. It was like living with a bossy schoolteacher or etiquette coach. He just took it.” So I’m just imagining in my head that whenever Chris started eating, Gwyneth would slap her hand against her chest imitating a retard and say stuff like, “Dur dur. Look at me. I’m Chris Martin and this is how I eat a salad. Dur dur dur.” Sounds like Gwyneth fed on Chris’ delicious tears.

The two also had different ways of parenting. Gwyneth was Stalin-esque in keeping her kids on an extreme diet. Like the one where she doesn’t let her kid eat gluten or dairy because he has eczema. Chris thought they should be kids and eat ice cream every once in a while. What a terrible human being, that Chris is.

There are also reports that Paltrow and Martin had an open relationship. They both had an understanding, apparently. “If Chris was playing around, Gwyneth didn’t care.”

“Gwyneth is someone that likes attention. There is a narcissism there.” And as a rock star who has had his fair share of groupie attention, Martin wasn’t immune to advances either. “Chris talked to her about temptations on the road. Gwyneth knew girls threw themselves at him.” And the mother of two was no wall-flower during their marriage, according to Us Weekly.  “She would openly flirt with men in front of Chris.”

At least he had groupies to comfort him. Being married to Gwyneth sounds like the most awful thing ever. Did he lose a bet or something?

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