ESC

Jack the Ripper Caught, Kinda Maybe

Armchair detective Russell Edwards says that the serial killer responsible for the deaths of five prostitutes in Victorian Era London is Aaron Kosminski, a 23 year-old Polish barber who died in an asylum. Nice work, Russell – only slightly too late to save any 19th century hookers.

According to Edwards, a blood-stained shawl belonging to the fourth victim, which he bought at auction in 2007, holds vital DNA evidence which led him to the killer. But it wasn’t the blood on the shawl which contained the critical DNA – it was the man juice. Hmmm – a prostitute’s shawl contains semen? Must be the killer’s.

Edwards says, “I’ve got the only piece of forensic evidence in the whole history of the case. I’ve spent 14 years working on it, and we have definitively solved the mystery of who Jack the Ripper was.” Edwards has written a book, Naming Jack the Ripper, and will be pitching a TV show, CSI: Shit that Happened 126 Years Ago.

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