Real Housewife and Husband to Have Prison Sex

Maybe you don’t watch Real Housewives because there are no explosions, car chases, gunfights, compelling storylines, or people who aren’t as tediously horrible as you’d expect them to be. But people somewhere watch this swill – enough to make the “stars” think that their poo doesn’t stink.

Today, in the U.S. District Courtroom of Judge Esther Salas, Real Housewife of New Jersey Teresa Giudice and her husband Joe learned that their poop does in fact smell like poop – mail fraud, wire fraud, bank fraud, making false statements, and bankruptcy fraud poop. Judge Salas sentenced Teresa to 15 months in federal prison and Joe to 41 months. Teresa also got two years’ probation and an $8,000 fine. Teresa will serve her sentence first, followed by Joe, so one parent remains out of lockup to care for their four no-doubt terrible daughters.

Despite Teresa being the second highest-paid Real Housewife with three bestselling cookbooks and a line of reduced-calorie booze, the couple committed a variety pack of fraud which netted them approximately $5 million over a ten-year period.

Judge Salas said she considered probation for Teresa “for a moment,” but later said, “I need to send a message that it isn’t who you are, how famous you are. If you do something wrong, there will be consequences to pay.”

Before you feel too sorry for the Giudices, realize that this will lead to at least a couple books about their prison experiences and the lessons they’ve learned – essentially endless media exposure. And it’s not like we want to see Teresa – she has a brutal case of Jersey Face, unlike Real Housewife of Miami and former Man Show Juggy Joanna Krupa, whom we’d want to imagine having hot prison shower sex.

Teresa will report to prison January 5. Meanwhile, she’ll be binge-watching Orange Is the New Black, looking for survival tips, and BoJack Horseman, just because it’s good.

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7 years ago

Just not with each other.

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