Comedian Artie Lange went on a weird Twitter rant yesterday about a sex fantasy he had about ESPN First Take host Cari Champion. It was less comedy and more weird and lascivious. Like that uncle you knew as a kid who always told you to sit on his lap in a creepy, leering sort of way.
The chick on ESPNs First Take is so fuckin hot!
— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) November 4, 2014
Trying to maintain erection and jerkoff to chick on First Take but they keep cutting back to Stephen A Smith and the white guy. Frustrating!
— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) November 4, 2014
I want the Chick on First Take to laugh at my white dick!
— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) November 4, 2014
Here's the scenario I'm using to jerkoff to chick on First Take I'm T. Jefferson & she's my slave. She beats the s**t out of me & runs free
— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) November 4, 2014
Then I cum and she's free! The Happiest ending ever!
— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) November 4, 2014
Then as reparations I make Skip Baylis my slave!
— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) November 4, 2014
Hey @CariChampion lets me and you get busy!
— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) November 4, 2014
I attempt to whip @CariChampion cuz she disrespected the Jefferson Plantation but she grabs whip & beats me I cum like a fat founding father
— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) November 4, 2014
After having 8 illegitimate kids together @CariChampion & I marry at The Knights of Columbus in Linden New Jersey. Prob with that?! F- Off!
— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) November 4, 2014
ESPN’s response to this was that they’re not going to dignify it with another comment.
His comments were reprehensible and no one should be subjected to such hateful language. They objectify and demean one of our valued employees under the thin guise of “comedy” and are offensive to all of us. We will not dignify them with any other comment.
Lange has since apologized to Cari Champion saying he’s sorry if he’s hurt her in any way. No doubt in part because of mounting pressure from the public.
I'm about to tweet a few things I can't believe have to be explained in a rational world. I observed that @CariChampion was a gorgeous lady
— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) November 5, 2014
This observation came while I was watching one of my favorite tv shows ESPNs First Take. I also noticed she was black.
— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) November 5, 2014
I then thought it would be funny to tweet JOKES about that observation. A decision which might be the end of modern comedy
— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) November 5, 2014
I tweeted jokes that in the past I would've said in privately in my home among friends. I know black women who could join me and handle it
— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) November 5, 2014
I won't debate if the tweets were funny. That could take minutes of precious time left in my career. The issue is do they warrant an apology
— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) November 5, 2014
Tricky question. I would rather load trucks for a living then ever apologize to one of these awful PC groups ruining the country
— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) November 5, 2014
So that's a NO. But if it upset the lady in question that's another story. Let me say to @CariChampion if this hurt u in any way I'm sorry
— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) November 5, 2014
I'm a comedian. Sometimes I'm funny! For the record my moms disgusted w the tweets. But if I based my humor on my mom I'd be broke
— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) November 5, 2014
His appearance on Midnight has since been cancelled.
They're now telling me I can't appear on @Midnight tonight cause of the pressure they're getting from these groups.
— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) November 5, 2014
But who cares. I love the show & it's my living but who cares. These groups have won again. All I care about is @CariChampion Truly
— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) November 5, 2014
This goes to show why you should stick to typing out sex fantasies in just one tweet. Usually it’s pretty hard to hang yourself in 140 characters or less.