ESC

Colorado State Student Steals Ambulance, Masturbates in Jail

18-year-old Colorado State University student Stefan Sortland started Halloween night like everyone else. Poppin’ molly and snortin’ some coke. Except, in this kid’s case, he ended up stealing an ambulance, crashing it, being shot with a stun gun and masturbating at the police station.

Sortland began his reign of terror when an ambulance come to campus to treat a patient. That’s when he saw his opportunity.

Police said emergency crews with Poudre Valley Hospital were treating an intoxicated student for seizures on campus in Fort Collins early Sunday morning, and when they came outside with the patient, their ambulance was gone.

Luckily the ambulance had GPS which let police track it to where it was in bad shape.

The ambulance, which had a GPS system on board, was tracked to Loveland. Loveland police officers said they found the ambulance in the middle of Highway 34 with several doors open, heavy front-end damage and fluid leaking.

One officer said it appeared the driver of the ambulance had hit the raised median, jumped the curb, hit a sign, went the wrong way and crossed back over the median before stopping.

Sortland was found a few feet away wearing an EMT vest carrying a blanket, a cell phone and a box of Wheat Thins. Officers tased him when he wouldn’t listen.

Officers said they found 18-year-old Stefan Sortland standing about 30 yards from the stopped ambulance wearing an EMT vest. Officers shot him with a stun gun when he refused their commands. Sortland had a blanket, a cell phone and a box of Wheat Thins with him.

Police said that Sortland admitted he took the ambulance from CSU, then refused to answer questions, but commented, “Why are the lights flashing on the cars?”

He was taken to the Loveland Police Department where he decided to jerk off.

There he “stood on a bench, kicked the wall, and masturbated,” according to the police report.

He then mentioned his friends had killed themselves.

Police said during his interview with officers, Sortland made a reference that his “friends/roommates were dead, in heaven, and had committed suicide.”

This was not true.

Officers said they checked with the two people and found they were both fine.

As Sortland was being transported to jail, he apologized… but then he attacked two deputies who were bringing him lunch. One deputy was punched in the face and another suffered a cut and finger sprain.

Sortland is facing charges of aggravated vehicle theft, obstructing EMS, reckless driving, hit-and-run, criminal mischief, attempted motor vehicle theft, unlawful possession of a controlled substance and criminal charges of assault for the jail incident.

All in all, a successful Halloween.

(H/T Deadspin)

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Raymond Torres
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The street drugs these kids are taking today are making them crazy.

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