Terrorists Win. Theatrical Release of ‘The Interview’ Canceled Due to Threats

And here we thought the Sony hacks would end at a few e-mails calling Kevin Hart a ‘whore’ and celebrity aliases revealed. Nope. Once the Department of Homeland Security has to issue a statement, the threat level’s just gone up one color.

Due to threats from an anonymous group of hackers called the Guardians of Peace, Sony Pictures decided Wednesday to pull The Interview, starring Seth Rogen and James Franco, out of release. Slated to open Christmas Day, the film will now probably go on to become a hard-to-find, cult classic. Sony released a statement saying:

In light of the decision by the majority of our exhibitors not to show the film The Interview, we have decided not to move forward with the planned December 25 theatrical release. We respect and understand our partners’ decision and, of course, completely share their paramount interest in the safety of employees and theater-goers.

The Guardians of Peace, who likely are a fun-loving bunch of socially well adjusted, upstanding citizens had threatened moviegoers with a bitter and awful fate. An outcome much like watching an Adam Sandler movie.

Warning. We will clearly show it to you at the very time and places ‘The Interview’ be shown, including the premiere, how bitter fate those who seek fun in terror should be doomed to. Soon all the world will see what an awful movie Sony Pictures Entertainment has made. The world will be full of fear. Remember the 11th of September 2001.We recommend you to keep yourself distant from the places at that time. (If your house is nearby, you’d better leave.) Whatever comes in the coming days is called by the greed of Sony Pictures Entertainment. All the world will denounce the SONY.

This forced the DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY to get involved! Guardians of Peace, you big time now. Homeland Security told filmgoers to calm down and keep shoving buttered popcorn down their throats.

We are still analyzing the credibility of these statements, but at this time there is no credible intelligence to indicate an active plot against movie theaters within the United States.

Whew! Now we can go back to seeing Rogen make dick-and-ball movies and Franco smear makeup and peanut butter on himself.