The Best Jokes from the Justin Bieber Roast

Justin Bieber’s Comedy Central roast took place last night. It won’t air for a couple of weeks, but a lot of the best jokes and burns leaked already, meaning we just freed up a couple of hours in your life. You’re welcome. We take payment in burritos and enchiladas.

Host Jeff Ross, Snoop Dogg, Kevin Hart and a bunch of others took their best, prewritten shots at Bieber. Surprisingly, none of their insults reduced Bieber to a puddle of tears. Damn. Bieber even closed out the show with some heartfelt words, which you can read after the insults.

Natasha Leggero:

“Justin’s fans are called Beliebers, because these days it’s considered politically incorrect to use the term retards.”

Snoop Dogg:

“You have left so many horrible and unwatchable videos, you should change your name to Vanilla ISIS.”

Jeff Ross:

“Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she’s dating men now. Is it true you dumped her because she grew a mustache before you?”

“Selena Gomez had sex with [you]… proving Mexicans will do the disgusting jobs Americans just won’t do.”

“If Anne Frank had heard your music, she would’ve Uber’d to Auschwitz.”

Kevin Hart:

“Justin has fans in middle school or staying 500 feet away from one.”

Ludacris:

“You act so much like a pussy, Ellen [DeGeneres] tried to eat you.”

“The Brazilian prostitute that claimed she was with Justin told the news that he was well-endowed. And that prostitute would know because so was he.”

Ron Burgundy:

“This kid has spunk, moxie, and probably a few other STDs.”

In the end, Bieber came up and read off some insults of his own.

“Look, I’m new to comedy, but here’s a joke: What do you get when you given a teenager $200 million dollars? A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours.”

“Martha [Stewart], thanks for coming. I know that’s something you probably don’t do much of anymore.”

Then, he closed it by actually acting non-douchey and admitted he “turned a lot of people off the past few years. … There was no preparing me for this life. I got thrown into this, 12 years old. There are moments I’m proud of and things I’ve done that don’t define who I am. I look forward to being someone you’re proud of. … I’m excited to see what’s next.” He declared “[y]ou have my word — I will not end up broken, pathetic, bitter or sitting on someone else’s roast. I’m at a moment of change. This is a new day.”

After that, Bieber flew to Vegas to motorboat some titties. Seriously. What, you thought he’d change, like, today?