We’ve Done Your Research for You: Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson To Star in Confusing Action-Comedy

Beloved skin sack of muscles, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is set to star in a new comedy/action/sci-fi movie and potential franchise: Alpha Squad Seven.

The recently green-lit film has been described as a cocktail of Independence Day, Armageddon and Guardians of the Galaxy. This description only becomes more confusing when you realize Alpha Squad Seven is a Stephen Colbert animated series, based on an “unpublished” sci-fi novel penned by Colbert, mocking a real Bill O’Reilly novel, turned into a movie staring the ex-wrestler turned actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Also, because it’s a Rock film made for adults and not his most popular audience, bodybuilders and children. 

Stephen Colbert Presents: Stephen Colbert’s Alpha Squad 7: The New Tek Jansen Adventures is the full name of the animated series seen in clips on the late Colbert Report. Character Jansen was a reoccurring joke from Colbert’s unpublished sci-fi novel; a parody of Bill O’Reilly’s, Those Who Trespass.

Let us go deeper.

(Mostly because, if you haven’t heard about this O’Reilly gem, you’re missing out.) Bill O’Reilly’s completely fictional story covers the graphically-described, murderous revenge a television journalist takes on his network staff after a series of disputes. Disputes totally unlike the ones O’Reilly faced with CBS. For example, those times where he lamented about his times at the Falklands War when he’d never actually set foot there.

Much of the details are being kept under wraps as DreamWorks has just picked up the script, but we know this will be what they’re calling a “two-hander.” Before you ruin your internet history (we’ve taken that blow for you), that means there will be two co-stars. The second ‘hander’ has yet to be named yet.

So yes, if all is as it seems, we have a big budget action/comedy/sci-fi based on a series of things that lead back to Bill O’Reilly writing a proverbial hit list. One can only hope the sequels will be a fictionalized version of Bill’s reaction of the first.

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