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Amy Schumer, Queen of Keepin’ It Real, Can Catch a Dick Whenever She Wants

All hail Amy Schumer, Queen of keepin’ it real. After being named “Trailblazer” by Glamour, the stand-up star gave the most relatable and, possibly, best acceptance speech ever.

“I’m not nervous,” she reassured the audience to start. Anyone familiar with her knows there is no way possible speaking in front of an audience would phase Schumer who refuses to feel shame. Setting the mood, she slightly mocked the absurdity of the red carpet media.

“Somebody on the red carpet was like, ‘do you feel out of place?’ And I’m like, of course not. I’m, look, I’m very glamorous.”

In true Amy form she then defined her glamour as losing her front teeth fifth-grade-late and getting her period fifth-grade-early.

“I have one of those moms that’s like,’ you don’t need to shave above your knees!’ I was just a werewolf. Christopher Robins from here down.”

Schumer then took the time to thank Glamour for not treating her like your everyday female comedian during their photo shoot. She was very into them not forcing her to pose with some sort of ejaculating dick and used her new award to mimic the various phallic props she’d been encouraged to use before.

“Glamour your the first magazine that’s like, ‘smile.’ And I’m like [looks around] where’s the dick? And they were like, ‘no, just be you.'”

She continues on sending her adorations for helping her to not apologize for who she is, letting her love the skin she’s in, and helping her not strive to not be some other version of herself. This is of course after indulging in the story of the guy who asked her to go out mid-day, to what she thought was a regular date but, in reality he was blacked out after being out all night.

To the agreement of all girls everywhere, she talked about how she usually trashes women’s magazines.

“They make you feel bad for just being born with a pussy, they’re just like, “get your pussy that new car smell” and you’re like what? ‘Hang a pine cone from your clit,’ and you’re like okay”

It’s real. Until that moment I was considering buying myself a clit pine cone… Ahem. Anyways, finally the pinnacle of her speech was her listing her goals for the night.

“Tonight I had one goal and that was to take my underwear off at the end of the night and not look like I blew my nose in it. And don’t look disgusted guys ‘cus your underwear looks like a coal miner wiped their brow… At the end of his shift”

In a beautiful conclusion she thanked Goldie Hawn for being Goldie Hawn, made sure she burned all her bridges and said goodnight. All in all though, the best moment was when she described herself as a normal girl, I’ll leave you with that quote:

“I’m probably like 160 lbs right now and I can catch a dick whenever I want. Like, that’s the truth. It’s not a problem.”

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