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Channing Tatum Has a Name for His Penis, but Let Me Hypothesize First

Prior to reading Channing Tatum’s Reddit AMA, which apparently includes a name for his highly sought after manhood, this writer would just like to state that she just doesn’t want to break her illusion of having sex with Tatum to be very masculine and sensual, read: the perfect amount of rough.

For the good of humanity, it is important I report on this hot-button topic, but first I feel it’s important to hypothesize about his penis’ name. My educated guess: his penis has a really girly name…no, it can’t be, my illusion can’t be ruined! Still, it’s probably unfortunately goofy; I can’t stop thinking Charlotte, my boyfriend says it’s probably Channing Taintum.

Alright, RIP my time having blind fantasies of banging Tatum, here goes my research.

Okay, I read it. I read the AMA. His penis has a nickname and that name is Gilbert. I’m both disappointed and enamoured but really, just disappointed because “Channing Taintum” is really the best thing he could be calling his man-junk. Great work, Babe.

But wait there’s more! Somehow, the penis nicknaming was not the highlight of the AMA. Redditors made sure we really got a unique view of the muscly hunk.

User Shermzilla questioned what would be on Tatum’s perfect sandwich.

Bread, white. peanut butter, not crunchy, creamy. grape jelly, double portion, more than you think should actually fit on a piece of white bread. bread. and then some Cheetos shoved in there, and then you’re good to go.

Tatum just gave me a recipe to try the next time I need to induce vomiting.

He also described his three desert island items, “How about a magical seashell that’s always filled with bourbon,” proving first he is my kind of person. “And I would like a magical palm tree that had a lot of shade with instead of coconuts there’s just peanut butter jelly sandwiches with Cheetos underneath,” okay C-Tates that’s way more than one thing. “And my wife that is always happy and possibly naked.”

Fig. 1: His Wife, Jenna Dewan Tatum

SELF_Nov13Cvr300dpi1

He showed off his serious side when asked if he’d done something recently that he couldn’t believe he’d done.

I just went to Iceland and tried to do a small expedition across the glacier and we didn’t make it.

So rugged! So terrifying! you think until he adds:

We had to be emergency evacuated as there was a white out blizzard which I got to take a poop in. It actually freezes before it hits the ground.

So sexy.

He teaches us you can’t watch Step Up too many times as long as you fast forward to the dancing because he admits his acting is horrendous. I feel as though he deserves to know none of us are watching that for anything except that dancin’ bod; your acting is superfluous, Tates.

Most importantly, we find out about the nudity situation on Magic Mike XXL. Reddit cleopatraeg inquires:

Do you do full frontal in magic mike xxl? asking for a friend

Tatum responds:

Haha “for a friend” I do not do full frontal but I can promise you when you’re standing in front of a bunch of people in a very small thong it doesn’t leave a lot to the imagination. Your “friend” should be happy.

Oh we’ll all be happy, Chan, we will all be happy.

The AMA was promoting his Omaze Contest with the prize being flown to Los Angeles for the premiere of Magic Mike XXL, riding there with Channing in his motorcade and walking the red carpet, a luxury spa day, tux or gown fitting, and entrance to the VIP after-party, all while being put up in a 4-star hotel.

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