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Dramatic Auto-Tuney Interviews Now a Requirement for News, GIRL!

Including a dramatic interview has now become a requirement in news stories. The actual storytelling ability of the reporter has been replaced by getting a version of the story recounted by a witness just begging to be auto-tuned.

After not booking the opening sequence of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, this has been a huge auto-tunity for Courtney Barnes, a Jackson, Mississippi resident slash television news witness to a car crash.

“Hello people,” he greets as he begins the moment he has been agonizingly awaiting since he was blinded by the flashy life of Antoine Dodson. He describes the event in flustered speech as a “horrible, tragic, situation.” The event in question? A non-fatal car crash. Can I also mention this guy has the most insanely well-manicured unibrow I have EVER seen? Get. It.

Lucky for the news team of WLBT 3, the well-put together Barnes with neon green acrylic nails and voluptuous ponytail was so taken by the scene he cancelled his plans to head to the Burger King for a “piece of burger.”

“Well Ma’am, I was actually going to buy me a piece of, umm, burger from Burger King and I just stopped right in the middle because my hunger just went away ‘cus when I seen that accident, girl, I just begin to be nosey and I just had to just understand that somebody was experiencing this difficulty and was just moaning that was just not… Ma’am I just cannot bear to just continue to talk.”

He tells the story of a troubled merger: a police car being aggressively cut off by a car gunning right (he says as he points left) when the police car “submerged” and both interacted in a “full twist about” causing the police car to “twist around like a tornado, GIRL!” Green ponytail expresses his concern for the life of the police officer, “don’t know if his life is gonna continue to make it or he gonna just tap out.”

But wait there’s more, our favorite new eyebrow style appears to be Courtney Barnes of So You Think You Can Dance audition fame.

Now only if Barnes read the news, I would watch, no doubt, every night. I hope you are what replaces traditional newscasters, Courtney, I hope you are.

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