ESC

North Korea Making Totally Not Sketchy Claims They’ve Cured AIDS, MERS, Ebola and SARS

In North Korea, where everything is sunny all the time, Pillsbury-Dough-Dictator, Kim Jong-Un, is informing the world that his top scientists have created a drug to cure SARS, AIDS, Ebola, and MERS. How has the Western world not cracked this magical drug? Because North Korea, obviously.

The announcement of new drug, Kumdang-2, comes unsuspiciously close to the outbreak of MERS in Worst… I mean, South Korea. The official Korean Central News Agency explained that scientists developed the drug from ginseng grown from fertilizer mixed with rare-earth elements. Nothin’ about that sounds sketchy. Question: Korea, are you so far deluded that, that statement sounds science-y to you? NK also boasts they originally produced the drug in 1996, according to pro-North Korea website, Minjok Tongshin.

“Malicious virus infections like SARS, Ebola and MERS are diseases that are related to immune systems, so they can be easily treated by Kumdang-2 injection drug, which is a strong immune reviver,” KCNA said.

Uhh huh, that seems pretty legit and not at all like the clever writing on an organic food container that basically reads your lettuce just grew in really fresh shit… literally, shit. “Here is your ginseng energy shoot up; you’re cured! Wait, you died? Nope your fault.” At least that’s how I personally imagine the situation unfolds.

As suspected, North Korea has given no proof besides their incredibly reliable word that the drug even works. But, you know, they do take their disease control very seriously as witnessed by their refusal to let in foreign tourists ever, err I mean, specifically during the Ebola outbreak last year where no cases were reported anywhere close to the country.

It is also worth noting that this drug has been pushed by North Korea at least twice before for the bird flu outbreaks in 2006 and 2013. Yet agin, totally legit, not sketchy, always sunny all the time. I know, I know, I’m now banned from /r/pyongyang.

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