There’s a New ‘Spider-Man’ Again, STILL Not Donald Glover, Titus Andromedon

Honestly, who can keep up with the amount of different Spider-Men (…Spider-Mans?!) there have been. Is there a more remade Marvel hero film?

After crappy rumors flew like monkeys playing in, well, crap, summer 2017’s Spider-Man and director are finally being officially announced. The beloved nerdy, skinny, white, spider-mutant will be played by Tom Holland: a person known to be skillful at minimally the first three listed traits. The 19-year old is known for his starring role in Billy Elliot, which reassures he’ll probably be able to keep up with the whole agile, spider-mutant thing too.

The director is set to be Jon Watts, who I am not personally familiar with, but directed a short called Jewish Santa is Coming so I assume he is credible. Additionally, he is more famous for his direction on Clown, which I will never see because clowns are terrifying, but maybe that fact will reassure you of his work.

The studio has also left us with a release date of July 28, 2017. While the film is still listed on IMDB as Untitled Spider-Man reboot, which I hope to god does not change, I can only imagine the next best surprise is if comes out to be Spider-Man Too: 2 Many Spider-Men. As Titus Andromedon puts it:

“And I will crush that Spider-Man, and then that other Spider-Man, and all the Spider-Men! ‘Till I’m the Spider-Man!”

My condolences to #donald4spiderman followers, your five-year struggle has not gone unnoticed. You’ll get ’em next time, champs.