Man Killed by Alligator Seconds After Insulting ‘F**k That Alligator’

In an act of swift justice, a Texas man was killed directly after saying “f**k that alligator” and jumping in infested water after being warned to avoid the water, reminding us “hold my beer” has real life consequences. Gawker reports:

“I asked him please do not go swimming, there’s a bigger alligator out here, just please stay out of the water,” an employee of Burkhart’s Marina in Orange, Texas told KFDM. “The next thing I know, I don’t even know how long it was, I saw his body floating face down and then he’s up there for a couple seconds and then he gets dragged back down and pulled off.”

Don’t worry that wasn’t his only warning, there was additionally a sign up forbidding swimming after there was already a “pretty damn big” alligator seen in the water. How big is “pretty damn big?” 11 feet. Other things that are roughly 11 feet? Two Ryan Seacrests stacked vertically.

Get excited, thanks to the Houston Chronicle, we’ve got the story. Apparently the 28-year old, Tommie Woodward, showed up with a lady friend to the marina’s burger joint and told them he was gonna jump in, probably shouting “Dare me? Somebody dare me? I’ll do it!” The workers, who understand that alligators are basically killing machines, tried to appeal to Woodward’s sense of preservation imploring him to not jump into an alligator infested marina. But “No guys, it’s gonna be fine” Woodward jumped in anyways and his lady friend, who would jump off a bridge if her friends did too, followed. Nearly immediately, in what would be an “I told you so” moment if the dummy didn’t die, that large alligator emerged from under the dock and had a little snack. Park rangers and sheriff’s deputies were able to snag the rest of Woodward two hours later in some water near the marina where he took his fateful dip.

The best part of this mess? This genius is the first fatal alligator encounter in Texas in at least the last TWO CENTURIES. Way to ruin that run, Woodward. Literally all the people from the 1800’s, without signs, were able to avoid more alligators than you did.