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Teen Realizes Too Late That Toilets Aren’t So Bad

How many shitty puns can come up in this article? Well, there’s 1 right there. There’s about to be a shitload more. Because one teen from England died from a heart attack due to constipation.

Emily Titterington, 16, held in her crap for two months because she was scared of toilets. That’s right. Scared of motherlovin’ toilets. What did the porcelain god ever do to you, Emily? One pathologist got the case of a lifetime when she did the post-mortem on Titterington.

Dr. Amanda Jeffery called it “like nothing I have ever seen before – it was dramatic”. You can just hear the excitement in her voice. Usually it’s dead bodies from car crashes, natural deaths, what have you. But a dead body filled with s**t? That’s not something you come across every day.

What does two months of s**t even look like? And the smell. Probably smells like your grandfather’s bathroom times 100.

Titterington had bowel problems in the past, but doctors could never pinpoint the reason. Not even laxatives helped. Ever seen a mudslide? Oh ok, now we know. That’s what two months of crap oozing out of someone’s butthole looks like.

When the paramedic arrived the night of her death, the site of a constipated corpse must’ve been disturbing. Lee Taylor, the parademic from that night, described what he saw:

“I could see that her abdomen was grossly extended. Her lower ribs had been pushed out further than her pubic bone – I was shocked.”

Man, fear of toilets. That girl could’ve just dug a hole in the ground and took a dump. Who says you have to use toilets?

Whatever, she’s the perfect friend to cover up your farts. “Did someone cut a fart in here???” *everyone looks at Emily*

(Image courtesy of Flickr/Evil Erin)

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