ESC

Kristen Stewart ‘Not Talking’ About Being Gay

Ugh, Kristen Stewart, no one cares if you’re gay or not. Why don’t you not be interviewed for magazines, sit on your couch, and eat an embarrassing amount of subpar takeout food like everyone else!

“Google me, I’m not hiding,” Stewart taunts Nylon magazine. Oh my god, that’s what people are trying to do, get more information on you! They shelled out good money in hopes that during an interview you might answer a question. Now, Google is just going to be full of results about you asking people to Google you. How is that helpful!?!

You know what, I’m gonna Google just to be sure.

I searched the terms, “Kristen Stewart sexuality,” “Kristen Stewart gay,” and “Kristen Stewart straight.” Basically, I came up with her dodgy answers that no one will have a defined sexuality in a “few years,” oh, and a bunch of pictures with her sporting straight hair. To clarify, K Stews, you technically are not hiding, you are just too obstinate to flatly answer everyone’s question, “Are you also into girls?”

She continues on her Nylon-supported soapbox,

“But I am an actress, man. I live in the fucking ambiguity of this life and I love it. I don’t feel like it would be true for me to be like, ‘I’m coming out!’ No, I do a job. Until I decide that I’m starting a foundation or that I have some perspective or opinion that other people should be receiving… I don’t. I’m just a kid making movies.”

Yes, life is very ambiguous. Your answer doesn’t need to be. Just stop being stubborn and avoiding the question, you know what we’re asking. You can grandstand afterwards. Also, “I do a job.” What does that have to do with anything? It’s not like your profession has “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” rules that apply to anything other than plastic surgery or, separately, Bill Cosby.

I think the worst is, we can all agree this is the kind of thing we don’t care about, but when you act like a petulant, avoidant teenager, we get caught up in your fake drama. So please, just say you also enjoy a nice vagina and we can all move on with our days!

Also, don’t worry, if you, like most people, aren’t in Kristen’s stubborn-ambiguous-boat, she’s totally cool with that. She tells Nylon, “If you feel like you really want to define yourself, and you have the ability to articulate those parameters and that in itself defines you, then do it.” She’s apparently not there yet, she’s got foundations to start first.

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