Catcallers Have Small Balls So Says Science

A study published Wednesday in the Journal of Current Biology found an interesting relationship between the size of Howler monkey testicles and the shrillness of their ungodly screaming. It turns out, the smaller their balls, the louder they howl.

That guy who screamed at me from across the street that I have ‘a perfect blow job mouth’ must be packing a pair of goddamn raisins.

Because that’s totally how science works.

Apparently, Howler monkeys with louder calls and larger vocal chords, also have smaller testicles, and therefore less actual sperm for reproduction. According to lead researcher Jacob Dunn of the University of Cambridge’s Division of Biological Anthropology, this is simply evolution at work.

“In evolutionary terms, all males strive to have as many offspring as they can, but when it comes to reproduction you can’t have everything…

When males invest in large bodies, bright colors, or weaponry such as horns or long canines, they are unable to also invest in reproductive traits.” 

In an ironic twist, millions of years of ‘fake it ’til you make it’ seems to have not caused the males of this species to make it. Evolution is a bitch.

The researchers studied Howler monkeys, who despite being the size of a small French Bulldog, their roars can be heard from 3 miles away. These obnoxious creatures are powered by vocal cords three times longer than your average human’s. Why on earth does any creature need to be that goddamn loud? It’s their mating call. Male Howler monkeys literally just scream until a DTF female shows up.

Wow. It’s like if Reddit was an animal.

“It may be that investment in developing a large vocal organ and roaring is so costly that there is simply not enough energy left to invest in testes.. Alternatively, using a large vocal organ for roaring may be so effective at deterring rival males that there is no need to invest in large testes.”

Thanks Dunn and all those other monkey ball fondling science guys. Neat.

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