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‘All Ears’ 6-Year Old Gets Cosmetic Surgery

Utah, famous for Mormons and…more Mormons, has something new to add to its already exciting resume. 6-year old Gage Berger recently underwent plastic surgery after excessive tormenting from his incredibly uncreative classmates. Really? The kid has big ears so you call him ‘elf ears’? These Midwestern first-graders are hacks.

Gage Berger’s parents cited the toll the bullying was taking on his self-esteem and social development as reason enough to let their son go full-on Joan Rivers. Honestly, with all of the care and support the American public school system affords, I get it. Teachers turn a blind eye to tortured kids while they’re busy wondering why that career in sports journalism never panned out. If the only thing standing between your kid and a lifetime of Prozac is a little Hollywood magic, get your slice and dice on.

Some are critical of the Berger Family’s decision and suggest other options. These brilliant and incredibly useful surgery alternatives include focusing on ‘self-love’ and ‘just ignoring bullies’. While I’m sure that 60% of the time these totally realistic suggestions work every time, I’m gonna have to take a break to roll my eyes and sigh.

While it would be great if we lived in a world where people aren’t shallow and terrible, we just don’t. If celebrities can buy a new face on a whim, this Berger kid should be able to grab some new ears and live his middle of the road middle American life in peace. Godspeed, Gage Berger.

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Gustavo Bruno

“Utah famous for mormons and more mormons” fucken idiot!

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