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Subway Jared Gets 15 Years for Child Porn and Sex with Minors

Bye bye Jared Fogle, hate to have known ya. Subway Jared gets to spend the next 15 years of his life with his thumb hooked into some other prisoner’s belt loop. His child pornography collectin’, underage girl and boy sex havin’ ways led to his downfall. What can you say? Good riddance.

A forensic psychiatrist, no doubt hired by the defense, testified that Fogle’s massive weight loss caused him to be hypersexual. Uh, ok, that’s a stretch. Losing weight also made him have sex with young girls and boys and collect child porn, is that their assertion? Riiight.

Before sentencing, forensic psychiatrist Dr. John Bradford said Fogle became hypersexual after he dropped 245 pounds on a diet of turkey and veggies subs from Subway — an extreme transformation that made him the face of the sandwich chain.

“Once he lost weight, it seemed as though in a short time he had hyper-sexuality,” he said. “There are brain disorders that can be associated with sexual drive.”

Man, Subway HAAATES the press their getting from this. Sure, our sandwiches help you lose weight. The downside is they’re made of yoga mats and may cause eaters to crave child pornography and underage sex. Marketing’s gonna have a really hard time turning THAT into a slogan.

Fogle tried throwing himself at the mercy of the court. No doubt he cried some crocodile tears.

“For most of my adult life, I’ve been in the spotlight, trying to be a role model,” he said. “…I became dependent on alcohol, pornography and prostitutes.”

Untrue. He had a porn addiction in college.

Fogle pleaded guilty to “one count each of travelling to engage in illicit sexual conduct with a minor and distribution and receipt of child pornography.”

What’s interesting is that prosecutors wanted twelve and a half years and the defense wanted five. The case took place in federal court where judges can set their own sentencing. This judge wanted moaaar. Fifteen years.

On the plus side, he won’t have to eat horrid Subway sandwiches anymore. Jail food probably tastes much better.

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