Leonardo DiCaprio Almost Low-Key Died Three Times

I may have never died before, but I am not impressed with Leonardo DiCaprio’s off-screen near-death experiences. I am the spawn of a man who has managed to die on the table four separate times and I’m supposed to be impressed by three times ‘almost dying’???????????

To be fair, I’m lying. I’m a little impressed. The man with acting chops larger than a walrus’ penis and an all-too-magnetic aesthetic of intrigue and mystique just seemed to get a little more interesting.

And it’s not like he’s had an asthma attack while running a marathon. He isn’t even basic enough to almost get into a car accident. As if his life has been written by some small, likely pervy screenwriter à-la Evan Handler lookalike, Leo has almost died while:

  1. Diving in shark invested waters off the coast of South Africa
  2. His plane almost fell out of the sky
  3. Another time, he was intentionally falling out of the sky and both his parachutes failed to open.

What I wanna know is did the special effects crew receive an Academy Award?

Fortunately for his psyche, he’s very low-key about the whole thing.

Of his shark incident:

A shark jumped up and grabbed the tuna, and half its body landed inside the cage with me. I sort of fell down to the bottom and tried to lie flat. The great white took about five or six snaps an arm’s length away from my head. The guys there said that has never happened in the 30 years they’d been doing it.

Oh, sorry. Just another story that makes me sound cooler than you. This is why I date models. I am just so cool. Another time he was flying to Russia because Leo is very needed in Russia. Just as casually as before, likely retelling his favorite party tale:

I was sitting there looking out at the wing, and the entire wing exploded in a fireball. I was the only one looking out at the moment this giant turbine exploded like a comet. It was crazy. They shut all the engines off for a couple of minutes, so you’re just sitting there gliding with absolutely no sound, and nobody in the plane was saying anything.

Casuaaaaaaaaaaaaal. Deaths come in threes, so by transitive property, near-deaths should also come in threes. Another plane-related incident was that involving the choice to jump out. In fact, he paid to jump out of said plane:

We pulled the first chute. That was knotted up. The gentleman I was with cut it free. We did another free fall for like another 5, 10 seconds. I didn’t even think about the extra chute, so I thought we were just plummeting to our death. He pulled the second, and that was knotted up too. He just kept shaking it and shaking it in midair, as all my friends were, you know, what felt like half a mile above me, and I’m plummeting toward earth. [Laughs.]

Hindsight is everything, after all. Speed picking up, chute neglecting to open and two forces fighting to kill or save the actor, he just keeps falling until finally the second shoot is freed. Motherfucker survived, but:

So after you see your whole life flash in front of your eyes—twice—he says, “Oh, your legs are going to get broken too.

Leo having broken legs >>> Leo being dead

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