ESC

Guy Thinks Boss Catches Him Masturbating, So He Cops to Something Even More Disgusting

It’s truly fascinating to read the different choices of slang people reach for when describing something in particular. Iin this case: the ‘technical term’ would be ejaculate. But how many times when you’re telling a story to your friends, do you say: “Yeah so uh we were fucking and then all the sudden he chose to ejaculate all over my tits”? How many times?

I tend to reach for the word, cum/came or jizz, but a very unfortunate poster on r/TIFU has a tendency to reach for spunk. Now, what would motivate another person to write about their ‘spunk’ on one of the most popular websites? What kind of story would garner 4,153 up votes? And when are men so irresponsible with their penises?

Redditor ohnoes12345 begins his tale with:

I masturbated at work. Yup, don’t blame me.

With the amount of time I’ve spent on the internet, I can’t blame you. The sheer number of stories I’ve read in stark similarity to ohnoes’ has led me to believe that this is a thing that all guys just do. You have nothing else to do and you seem to be carrying around your very own personal joystick… so what do you do? You play a game. Might have the same ending every time, but the journey is what builds the character.

So ohnoes is just sitting at his desk minding his own business. Maybe doing work, maybe not. When his girlfriend decides to sext him a nude. (There’s something stupid empowering about catching a man off-guard.) So he goes on:

 Like any other straight man, a naked picture of your SO gets you a tad frisky. In combination with the animal urge I also needed a shit so thought I could kill two birds with one stone.

Efficient. He’s wanking it when:

I. SPUNKED. A LOT. I’m not talking your ickle dribble, I’m talking volcanic eruption. I cleaned up as best as I could and buttoned up my trousers.

Common courtesy. You’ve taken care of business. Smokers get smoke breaks, isn’t it only fair that wankers get wank breaks? What could go wrong?

Exactly what you might expect in a syndicated sitcom dedicated to one characters frequent misfortune. His boss walks in.

We greet each other as we pass and I walk off, checking my phone until he rushes back out of the bathroom and says to me with no subtlety whatsoever, “WHAT IS THAT MESS?”

Forced to explain the mess he made in the men’s bathroom and tasked with answering the question of which bathroom stall he had just come out of… what’s a man to do? Lie. And like any after school special on the importance of telling the truth (even if it brings shame upon your family), ohnoes was handed the consequences. While he had been in the first cubicle, he told said boss that he had been in the second:

He drags me to the second cubicle where someone had previously been and had there was smeared shit on the toilet ring with a puddle of piss on the floor.

Tell the truth, kids.

[Image: YouTube]

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