Jennifer Lawrence: ‘I’m Officially a Virgin Again’ Because She Has Standards

I have no qualms regarding the authenticity of Jennifer Lawrence as a pop culture commodity because on the real, with a much more symmetrical face, longer legs and in general, a more powerful aesthetic than I, she is capable of sharing with the world all my innermost thoughts. Now that bids the question… do I really need a spokesperson for my innermost thoughts when I have a Twitter I broadcast openly?

Absolutely not. But it does make some of my own thoughts have a higher perception of efficacy in the marketplace of ideas. In a candid interview with Glamour, Jennifer Lawrence regales her own modern revirginization tale. We hear these stories all the time amongst certain niche groups of people, claiming that surgery, diet, exercise and religion can all expunge your body of all the unfortunate dicks you’ve allowed to enter it.

But Jennifer Lawrence has a newer, and arguably, rarer affliction contributing to her revirginization process–with an applause for increased visibility–believe it or not, Jennifer Lawrence is a millennial woman with standards. In an era where every fuckboy is accessible to you via an app, every no one from your high school is made available to you when you go home to visit your parents for the holidays… and before you know it, your bedpost is being notched, you’re only quasi-satisfied and you have to take on an ever larger repertoire of dildos with a pulse, just to satiate your libido.

Or you could be what Jennifer Lawrence has been championing, she shares:

I’m officially a virgin.


I’m too picky.

She further goes on to add that she must feel a spark, meaning she likely has to have a conversation with the person first before taking them home. Or perhaps she only fucks people with a certain amount of static electricity collected over their cotton fiber clothing.

While her reason sounds significantly more empowering, my revirginization has been fueled by a battery-operated friend, a prolonged face of seasonal affective agoraphobia and all around laziness. You don’t have to bind yourself to your bed in the extreme manner that I have, but in the case of consistent unsatisfying sex with no rising or falling actions permitted, ditch the deadweight, get a vibrator and be fucking picky.

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E.B. H.
E.B. H.
7 years ago

Unliking this b.s. so I can keep from wasting my time.

Suzy Q
Suzy Q
7 years ago
Reply to  E.B. H.

i think you like wasting your time on here!! as still posting!! lol