People Reveal the Craziest Things They’ve Done to Get Laid

r/askreddit is a corner of Internet that promotes as much candor as an exposé on the inner workings of Hugh Hefner’s bedroom. You don’t always hear what you want to hear. But you will get an answer. Tell your worst stories and only your vague online persona is tied to it (in theory). In practice, I’m sure the NSA knows and doesn’t give a f**k unless your sex practices threaten corporate profit margins.

So, when the question of “What’s the craziest thing you’ve done to get laid?” was posed, the answers poured in as I thought of my own outlandish feats to have gotten laid.

Top comment came from NoFunHere:

I faked a shoulder injury and asked for a massage. Our 20th anniversary is next month.

Sauve. I suppose happy endings are real.

But that’s easily the cheapest comment on the thread. If any self-respecting girl had prior access to any of the information revealed here, NoFunHere wouldn’t have gotten his dick wet. I mean if he wants you, he would have pulled a garmachi:

Risked jail, gave away a car and hitch hiked halfway across America for booty. Was  worth it, now married.

TheBigGoobowski wins it for me with the most appropriate username. In an effort to impress a girl at 15, goob decided to climb a cliff to retrieve a flower from a ledge. When a handhold broke off, goob plummeted 12 feet in the hormone stupor of a teenage boy and he:

Shattered both the bones in my left ankle, compound fractured my humerus, broke 2 ribs, and got a fat amount of stitches all over me. She came over to my house after I got released from surgery. It was good, but for fucks sake not worth it at all.

ButterDunker tells of nothing that makes his username make sense, but outside of commercials, nothing good comes of online dating.

I went into a battered women’s shelter to violently f**k a girl I met online 80 miles away.

And he had never met her before. That’s a bold move, Cotton.

As I’m thinking of my own story, I realize how few efforts I’ve had to put forth to get laid. And then I see how no women have responded to the thread with their own stories… is it true? Do women actually operate in a world where these guys want to f**k and as long as she expresses interest, the path is as good is cleared?

My only story remotely romantic or interesting to the effect of pre-coitus effort rests upon the one time I drove home hungover from a wedding in Baltimore, only to grab my bathing suit and meet an old friend (one I had once had feelings for) at the beach. We had subpar sex after sharing a blunt and sangria on the water. I left my favorite bathing suit at his house.

So what’s the craziest thing you’ve done to get laid?