Read Horror Stories of the Worst House Guests. Lots of Shitting Takes Place

House guests 9 times out of 10 are the worst. Your house is your sanctuary. Your house is the place where you’re free to walk around naked, play your most embarrassing music, and have the worst and best sexual experiences of your life. To have a house guest is to deprive yourself of your indisputable right to freedom.

It’s a selfless duty to surrender yourself to style cramping of the umpteenth degree and they almost never repay it in a way that makes it seem worth it. What almost makes the pain worth it though is when someone happens to have experienced worse pain than you.

Reddit is the perfect place for such catharsis. So, someone likely in the fall out of a terrible house guest asked: “Who was the worst guest that stayed at your house?”

Why not start with the best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) story?

Top story goes to sourwormsandwhiskey who had the courage to take the next big step in life and buy a new house only to be rewarded with another person’s terrible decision-making matrix:

We moved into this new house, apparently the people who lived there before us never told their “friend” they moved. He let him self in and went into the bathroom unnoticed. I went in there some time later and found this random guy passed out with a needle in his arm in my new fucking bathroom. Worst first night in a new house ever.

Alright, so sourworms didn’t exactly invite the guest to stay, but do we ever really invite them?

Slightly less traumatizing, sgtroboto allowed his wife’s friends to spend the night and ended up with a great story to tell to strangers on the internet:

My wife’s friends had stayed over after a party because they lived pretty far away. I was in the kitchen making coffee in the morning and the friends wife came up the basement stairs into the kitchen wearing nothing but her underwear. She didn’t say anything to me she just shuffled past and went back into the spare bedroom. I was curious what she was doing down there so I went and I checked. It turns out in her drunken state she couldn’t find either one of the bathrooms upstairs on the main level so she went into the basement and s**t beneath the stairs all over the floor. When her husband came out of the bedroom I told him that he had a mess to clean up and directed him to the basement so he could find his wife’s surprise. That’s when he decided to use our clean bath towels to smear her s**t all over my basement floor, then he just tossed the towels into the laundry tub. I never spoke to either one of them again. One good thing did come out of it though. We now get to say “s**t the basement drunk” as the top of the drunkenness meter.

I might invite shitheads into my apartment just for a story, I’m running dry on terrible experiences lately.

I tell people all the fucking time to find the joy in being alone. With practice there is much more joy to be found in the depths of one’s own fuckery than there is to be found in the unfortunate nature of other individuals who occupy your time and energy with soul sucking. Suck your own soul! Trust me, it’s like masturbation… you’re really the only person who knows how to do it right.

Reasons to masturbate? You can’t rape yourself.

Easily the best reason to never invite a human being into your home comes from gamershadow:

I was having a party at my house with about 6 people. Most of them were 16-19 years old. I was 18. A couple hours in to the party and my 25 year old neighbor came over with some extra beer for us. He starts chatting up this 16 year old girl.

After another hour or so I noticed that they had both disappeared and no one knew where they went. I went through and checked the bedrooms in my house. I went into the extra bedroom and found him raping her. She was trying to scream but he had her mouth covered.

I ran in to get the guy but he dodged past me and ran back to his house. The girl demanded that we not call the police because she didn’t want her parents to know. We convinced her to talk with them the next morning.

I ended up testifying in court and the guy was sentenced to 25 years in prison. He had a wife and two kids who I found out he had been abusing. He is most definitely the worst guest I’ve ever had and ever will have.

F**k all that noise. Live alone and bathe in your solitude.

[Image: Flickr]