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Gwenyth Paltrow Defends Goop: ‘Cause We Sell Things That Are $8’

Gwyneth Paltrow

For as long as I have been old enough to put Gwyneth Paltrow’s face to her name, I have hated her. Every interview she’s ever given. Every product she’s ever endorsed. Every movie she’s ever had a role in–they all would have been better without her presence.

Now I do consider myself a feminist. I believe in fair and equal treatment of all individuals and I agree that all human beings have a right to life. I don’t hate Gwyneth Paltrow because she’s a woman, I hate Gwyneth Paltrow because she’s a person, and all people under god are granted the same right to be ruthlessly and indiscriminately disliked.

Sitting down in an interview with Glamour magazine, Gwyneth challenged the haters like me. Talking about the inception and direction behind her curation of all things for her lifestyle mag, Goop, she futilely defended her brand.

Goop, a weekly lifestyle publication and online store, has been steadfastly criticized for its overpriced nature. This should not come as a surprise. Paltrow has spent well over the last decade carefully cultivating the personality of a DIY mom like everyone else, who lives a life just like everyone else, does everything herself just like everyone else, preaching her tips on how to have it all. As we know, it’s all a gigantic facade held up by the handiwork of her house staff and millions of dollars.

Her approachable routine completely falls apart when browsing the contents of Goop’s online store. A normal cotton tee-shirt, $330. $97 sports bra. A decorative book set for $685.  A children’s sweatsuit for a whopping $275, do you know any newborn with the salary to foot that bill?

Paltrow fires back at these criticisms by tearing down our source of information (the website is open in front of me, that’s a primary source):

GLAMOUR: When you face scrutiny—what do you do with that negative energy?
GP: Sometimes I’ll get annoyed if someone’s like, “Goop is so expensive.” I’m like, “Have you looked at the website? Have you seen the range of price points? ‘Cause we sell things that are $8.” I’m like, “If you want to f–k with me, bring your A-game. At least have all your information.”

As low as $8 you say?! Wow what a steal. Oh you mean… one shoelace. $16 for a set of shoelaces? I’ll pass. Now to be fair, Paltrow does offer some lower priced items within her beauty selection. For four dollars, you could get less than a quarter ounce of PAW PAW & HONEY LIP BALM but what she’s not telling you is that for the same price and better results, you could swing by the local drugstore, find your way to the baby aisle and pick up some nipple cream to battle even the most chapped lips.

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Capt. Cornhole

She should author a book: How to accessorize your colostomy bag and the other shitty things I do

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