ESC

Behold, for He Is the Terrorist Whisperer

Mason Wells has a gift. The gift to attract terrorism. The 19-year-old American has already survived three separate terrorist attacks, Paris, the Boston Marathon and the recent Brussels attack.

Wells suffered a ruptured Achilles tendon, shrapnel injures, as well as second- and third-degree burns on his face and hands after the [Brussels] bombing, his father Chad Wells told ABC News.

Wells also added:

“This is his third terrorist attack,” Chad Wells said, noting he was with his son just a block from the Boston Marathon bombing.

The Wells family were lucky to survive the Boston Marathon attacks.

Wells said that during the Boston Marathon bombing, he was with his son a block away from the finish line, where the bombing took place, waiting for Mason Wells’ mother, who ran the marathon.

Mason ALSO survived the Paris attacks.

The family said Wells was in France during the Paris attacks last year that lead to a wide mobilization to find the terrorists and disrupt future attacks.

Damn, somewhere, someone is watching over this kid.

Wells was in Brussels as a part of a Mormon missions trip and hold up. Did someone say Mormon? Maybe Mormonism is the solution to terrorism.

Hmm…No alcohol and no coffee. That sounds like a fate worse than death actually. However, polygamy DOES have its appeal. I’ve always been intrigued.

I think we can hard sell the terrorists into converting. “Bro, didn’t you want 72 virgins in heaven? How about…72 wives on earth?”

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