Eva Amuri Martino, daughter of Susan Sarandon, had to fire her nanny because the nanny wanted to bang her Greek god of a husband, Kyle Martino. What an inconvenience. Oh boo hoo. You married one of the sexiest men on the planet and people want to f**k him. Unless you’re going to move him to Rapunzel high security captivity, this is going to be a fact of your life.
This is the second nanny the Martinos have had to fire in recent memory. Childcare is a mess. None of us are truly equipped to rear children in a universe of perpetual suckage, but for some reason we all seem to think we are. As a result, finding someone even half capable of caring for your s**t-stained, snotty, smelly spawn is a feat. You can’t jump from one nanny to another and expect a kind of childcare savant. You’re only going to be disappointed. But let’s backtrack here.
So.. the Martinos fired their nanny. They’re reeling. Eva has to go out of town for a couple days, this couldn’t have come at a worse time. Oh my god! I’m stuck with caring for my own child! This is a goddamn nightmare! Obviously not thinking clearly, they hired a new one. Using her own words against her, let’s call her “Thick Latin Woman.”
Eva’s out of town. Husband and baby left at home… nothing could possibly go wrong. Nothing ever goes wrong when husbands and babies are left to their own devices. Hubby’s phone buzzes and it’s a text from the new nanny. If you’re thinking omg, she’s gonna quit or be sick, nothing could be worse, you’re wrong. He reads the text from the nanny:
OMG. Girl, did I mention to you how hot and sex my Boss is. I would love to f**k his brains out ha haah. Too bad he seems not to like thick Latin women with lots to hold on to LOL.
Holy s**t. Cover is blown. She has to quit, nothing can get more embarrassing than that. But no, fearless the nanny goes into work as planned and makes no mention of the dreadful mishap. Per Eva’s blog, Happily Eva After:
Kyle couldn’t believe it. He was completely disoriented. Why had she sent this to him? It was such a crazy “mistake” but also strange because he had barely been around this person since she was hired. A part of him thought it was so hilarious of course, but the greater part of him was head-in-hands embarrassed for her and couldn’t believe he was going to have to deal with the awkwardness of having to talk about something so uncomfortable.
Poor him. Poor Kyle. Poor gorgeous Kyle. It’s sixth grade all over again. You find out a girl has a crush on you and nothing on this earth could be worse. You’re suddenly naked under your skin, not yet emotionally intelligent enough to understand the validation of your entire ego. Instead of thinking cool, someone else on this planet considers me as cool as I think I am, you turn on them. Awaiting a retraction text from the shameless nanny, Kyle festers hereby prophesying his hilarious fate.
The nanny shows up for work as planned, lets herself into the empty house and does what any person does when left alone in another person’s lair. She snoops. It’s creepy. It’s unfortunate. It’s a terrible cross of boundaries, but she does it.
Kyle said the way she was peeking out of the window in our bedroom made him realize, “Ok– that text was NOT a mistake.” (Note: By the way if you are a woman I’m sure YOU figured that out two paragraphs ago). He let himself in to the house, handed over the baby, and she made absolutely no mention of the text at all.
He left. He went to work. He carried out his day for a full half hour while he continued to stew in his own discomfort. He went home. He fired his nanny. She’s snooping in our house, she’s spending time with our baby and she wants to f**k me. This is a mess and it must be stopped.
But before firing the nanny, he made sure to record the entire exchange as he broached the uncomfortable topic of the bedroom snoopage. Why were you snooping in our bedroom, Thick Latin Woman? Did it have anything to do with that text?
I was looking for you, I didn’t know if you were home……..
Translation: I thought that if we were both in your bedroom at the same time, we’d have some great sex and no one would ever be the wiser.
Completely unacceptable. Nanny fired. Life goes on. Everyone’s inconvenienced. And no one got fucked. Shame.