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I’m a Psychic and These Will Be Your Winners of This Season’s ‘Dancing With the Stars’

It’s time for the 22nd season of the show no one ever asked for. All casting has been completed for the 22nd season of Dancing With The Stars and we’re all sooooooooooooo excited. Has the show really been on for twenty two years? What happened to the standard protocol of one season a fucking year? Anyway, check those castings here. I’m here to tell you who’s going to win this thing.

Final 5 couples is as follows:

5. Nyle DiMarco and his partner Peta Murgatroyd

Nyle DiMarco and his partner Peta Murgatroyd will make it to the final 5 because well, DiMarco is a deaf, openly sexually fluid winner of the final season of America’s Next Top Model. He’ll stick around because he’s hot as hell. And because he’s essentially checked off every pop culture and socially fad phenomenon in his personality. He won’t win…. but the people will love him.

4. Von Miller and partner Witney Carson

Who? Oh. Gorgeous. Talented. Athletic. Tall, dark, handsome. He won’t win. But he will make it this far by the grace of his fame and personality. Not only that, he’s going to wow us with his dancing ability. Searches YouTube for Von Miller dancing. Nothing? Well… football players supposedly take ballet, right? And my mother always told me that with hundreds of years of racial oppression came the innate understanding of rhythm.

3. Kim Fields and her partner Sasha Farber

Yeah, I had to Google who she was too. Kim Fields will make it this far not because she’s going to wow us with her talent… Kim Fields will make it this far because the only people who actually contribute to the voting process are those who know who she is. So who is this bitch? She’s the star of The Real Housewives of Atlanta and washed up ex-sitcom actress Tootie of The Facts of Life.

2. Jodie Sweetin and partner Keo Motsepe

Well… she’s going to be a fan favorite off the bat. With renewed fame reprising her role as Full House‘s favorite, Stephanie Tanner, on Netflix’s Fuller House, regardless of any semblance of talent she’s going to make it to the final two for reparations. We owe her. The public is guilty. Full House ended and we turned our backs on her. She became drug rattled, thrice married and abused and her life essentially fell apart. We owe our sitcom actresses so much more. We owe them a runner-up title in this bullshit show that no one actually watches.

1. Geraldo Rivera and his partner Edyta Sliwinska

Are the rest of our celebrities really that busy that the most well-known person on our list is Jodie Sweetin? Ok, so I might not know who this man is, but some theme park attractions host does. Elated, they tell me:

OH MY GOD YEAH! He was the Fox host who would post shirtless pictures even though he’s like 70. So I’m kind of like “Slay!” but I’m kind of like “Stop :-(“

And that’s how this season is going to go. This old guy is going to win because he’s bringing sexy back harder than ever before. He’s going to shock. Scare. Surprise. Devastate. And maybe die before the final episode. Posthumously… we have our 22nd champion of Dancing with Who? Oh, Those Stars.

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