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Backstreet Boys Are Moving to Vegas Where They Will Eventually Die

Where do all forgotten people go to die? Vegas. Vegas is where all forgotten misfits go to congregate and live out their pathetic, has-been existences while the rest of the world lives in ignorance of their demise. We exploit their desperation for performances and we force them to continue living their lives in yesteryear so that we can fawn over them in nostalgia the one weekend a year we dedicate to our girls.

We already know that Elvis didn’t die… he simply moved to Vegas. We already know that after Britney’s historic 2007 public meltdown, she didn’t have a massive career revival, she took up residency in Vegas. And now the same will go for the forgotten heroes of the Backstreet Boys. Since reuniting in 2012, a decade too late after breaking my heart, the band has failed to restore their former glory. Joey Fatone did a stint on the Food Network. Nick Carter tried to forget the 90’s. AJ McClean became the butt of every gay joke. And we just ignored the rest, they could have died and it would take days for the news to circulate across our feeds. But if you consider moving their show to Vegas good news, here’s some good news. Per New York Daily News, the boys are back in town on a trial basis. Nine performances are set with Nick Carter saying:

If it does really well, then I think that’ll open that door and then in [the] future we’ll do it.

The band promises to release more music whether we ask for it or not, but we shouldn’t expect a tour from this band of dads. Dad and band member Kevin Richardson dished:

A Vegas residency, now that we’re all fathers, could be very convenient for us… We won’t have to travel so much.

Hire these guys for your next bar mitzvah (:

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