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Chrissy Teigen Returns as Milk Swollen Cow Hell Bent on Motherhood

Bringing another being into this world has its positives and negatives. As I’ve said time and time again, birthing a child after carrying it for nine months is basically signing up for 18 years (and likely more) of slavery at the behest of some bratty helpless being. New mommy Chrissy Teigen just got candid again on Entertainment Tonight and comes clean about the challenges of motherhood:

If you kind of do the math, you’re kind of breastfeeding for 10 hours a day total.

I lie in bed about that much and it’s exhausting, but I don’t have a parasite siphoning off my energy either. Could I even bear it?

It’s hard to work your entire day around getting her the nourishment she needs because they are just little animals.

Your sexy bouncy boob toys become these milk swollen udders for your baby’s survival. Fuck that’s a whole lot of pressure. It’s a whole lot of pressure to stand up to the criticism and the know-it-alls in your parenting groups or baby swim class or some opinionated twat who doesn’t like the way you photograph your spawn, but it’s even tougher when you live your life in the public eye.

New parents John Legend and Chrissy Teigen decided to take their baby nurse for a dry run just nine days out after labor. They went out with some friends, Teigen showed off her post-labor body, one that looks better than me on even my least bloated day.

There were obvious selfies, snapchats and paparazzi-provided photos to prove that the two parents had the gall to resume their humanity. Teigen reminds us though that she’s as cool, if not cooler than ever:

It is hard when it turns to … people are grading you on your personal decisions. You just realize you’ll never make everyone happy. … I’m learning to let things roll off my back a bit easier. I have more important things going on now.

And that is how you blow off bullies. You deserve your media saturation and your insufferable couple marriage and child.

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