This ‘Hollywood Superstar’ Begged to Shave Alia Shawkat before Fucking Her

Ok, class, it’s time for a video. You’ve been reading all day. You’ve done a lot. Watch this and tell me what you think.

Transcript via ONTD:

“We were at this party at this famous actor’s house. For the purpose of this story, I probably shouldn’t say whose house this was. Let’s say it’s Cary Grant because I’d love to imagine hooking up with Cary Grant.

So I go up to him. And he’s got smoky eyes. Kind of a mysterious, intense dude. I walk up to him. I was like, “Hey. So I’m leaving.” And he was like, “Cool.”

I said, “Yeah. But I really wanted to kiss you.”

And he, like, looks at me defiantly. He said, “Walk into that room and close the door.” In my mind, I was like, “F**k! That worked!”

So I go into this room. I close the door. And right as I’m closing the door, he comes in through another door. And he looks at me. And I’m thinking, “Oh, f**k. This is on!”

He approaches me and pins me against the wall. And he says, “One kiss. Just one kiss.” We make out. It’s really hot. And he says, “Give me a second. I’m gonna get everyone in the party to leave. 15 minutes later, he cleared out the party.

He is directing me things to do, which was really hot. He goes, “All right. Take off all your clothes.” And then, “All right. I need you to go take a shower ’cause I want to go down on you and I need you to be clean.” And I was like, “Okay.”

So I go into the shower. And the whole time, I’m thinking, “Can’t believe you’re in the house with this guy. Like, what’s going on? Just go with it. You’re chill.” And then I come outside. He takes the towel. He puts it down. And he makes me stand in front of the mirror. And he has a razor. “I’m gonna shave you now.” “Okay.”

So I’m looking at myself directly in the mirror with my legs open. And he’s down on his knees. And he’s shaving my vagina. And I was looking at myself like, “You’re still in there. The real you’s in there. Just enjoy this.”

So I sat on the bed. He had a warm bowl of water. He delicately shaved me fucking baby-clean. Like, nothing there. The whole time, I’m just trying to be like, “Mm-hmm. We’re into this.” And we continued to hook up. We started to have sex for a little while.

And then he completely switches.

He starts standing up and running around, “I can’t do this!” and “I’m not supposed to be doing this!”

And I’m there, with a freshly-shaved vagina, saying, “Uh, we are doing this.” He keeps walking around the room pacing. And then he comes back. And we’re hooking up. And then we start to have sex again.

And then just the same thing. Four times, on and off, like bipolar. And he asked me, “How old are you?” “I’m 20.” “You’re — you’re only 20? I shouldn’t be doing this anymore!”

I’m thinking, “Get over your fucking self. We’re just two adults, semi trying to have a weird experience.” He was trying to make it so dramatic.

Then he found a joint in this dirty ashtray and was so happy to find the joint. I thought, “Maybe that will chill you out.” We both pass out for a little while. Then I wake up. And he’s still asleep. And it’s like 5:00 a.m. or something. I call a car and go back home.

Later that morning, I woke up. “Did that s**t happen to me?” And I looked under the covers. “Yeah. It happened. There is nothing down there!”

It was just the weirdest experience. Any time I see him in a magazine or in a fucking movie… that’s the weirdest part about Hollywood because you see these people around, you know? He was just like a fucking weirdo.

I ran into him once at a bar. And he was kind of drunk. He said, “Look who it is.” I was like, “I think we should just never talk to each other again. I think that’s the best way to handle this.””

So I’m thinking… who could this possibly be? I must know. So the major clues:

–He was throwing a birthday party for a friend

–His friends are tough-looking dudes and he was wearing a baseball cap to look nondescript.

–He sounds significantly older than she is (she was 20 at the time.)

–“Smokey eyes, mysterious, intense”

–Unique moda operandi: He pinned her against the wall, cleared out the party, told her to shower, told her to undress, and shaved her pubic hair

–Acted almost “bipolar,” stopping and starting sex again

–Smokes weed

ONTD seems to think it had to be Benicio del Toro. I hear that and immediately I see him acting in that role. I have a hard time thinking about anyone else.

But commenters have some other possibilities in mind. Joaquin Phoenix could be the perpetrator. Johnny Depp seems too obvious but could work. Bradley Cooper is an option. Javier Bardem comes to mind. James Franco isn’t old but could totally lose his s**t like that and it’s because of my all-too-real fantasies (including the inevitable fights) that I don’t see myself ever fucking him.

I really want it to have been Jack Nicholson though. But really… it was Jon Hamm. Or maybe Josh Brolin.