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Pokemon Go Is a Danger to Society!

Pokemon Go (pronounced ‘pokemongo’ and rhymes with bongo) isn’t all good. Sure, it’s done more to successfully get people off the couch than Michelle Obama has in 8 years as First Lady, but the outdoors are dangerous! We need to stay inside! It’s safer here! ICYMI, Pokemon Go has been used to target new victims. It’s a new way of knowing where people are going to go. And if you’re dumb like me, you walk alone at night because you just have to hit that last Poke stop.

The game launched less than a week ago in the middle of the night. It took me well over 12 hours to download it and I’ve been addicted ever since. I hear this news and I think, duh, we expected this, but I guess not…. people seem surprised every time they hear how much their species sucks. O’Fallon Missouri Police Department released the following statement after a string of armed robberies planned via the new app:

This morning at approximately 2 am we responded to the report of an Armed Robbery near the intersection of Highway K and Feise Road. We were able to locate four suspects occupying a black BMW a short time later and recover a handgun. These suspects are suspected of multiple Armed Robberies both in St. Louis and St. Charles Counties. It is believed these suspects targeted their victims through the Pokemon Go smart phone application.

Why do I think that’s cool? If I die, I’d like to die doing something I love. Good on them for being equal opportunity shitheads. O’Fallon PD continues:

Apparently they were using the app to locate [people] standing around in the middle of a parking lot or whatever other location they were in.

Ok yeah, if I die by getting the best spin of my life on Poke Stop. so fuck me. Keep playing Pokemon Go. The real danger is not these outlier attacks. The real danger is that I fell into a drainage ditch while chasing a wild Paras. I saw my life flash before my eyes. It was fine.

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