South Carolina Parents Say Clowns Are Tryna Lure Their Kids Into The Woods With Money

In unrelated news, they probably huff a lot of paint in South Carolina.

Halloween isn’t for two months, go to The Waffle House and relax you fucks.

Residents of a Greenville County apartment complex keep saying that rapey money clowns are trying to lure their kids into the woods. When the Sheriff’s Office was first asked about it, they said there was nothing like that going on, but there have actually been several reports.

Drew Pinciario from the Greenville County Sheriff’s Office released this statement Monday.

“Many of you have inquired about clowns being spotted in the woods near Fleetwood Manor Apartments.  As of today’s date, there has been one incident report filed with our office regarding this.  I have attached a copy of the incident report for your review.”

Ok, bruh.

“In the report you will note there were two other calls related to this.  One call was regarding the clown sightings and the other call was in reference to gunshots being heard in the area.  In both calls, the complainants refused to give their names and no incident report was filed.  Our deputies did not locate anyone matching the description when they responded.”

We need Mulder And Scully on this s**t.

“This case has been assigned to our follow-up unit for further investigation and we also have deputies extra patrolling that area.”

People have reported clowns making weird noises, tryna get kids to follow them into the woods with money, shooting green lasers, rattling chains, and standing ominously under street lights.

Stuff huffing glue, guys.

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7 years ago

Shut the f**k up, you self-hating mongerel gash.