ESC

The Chainsmokers Are Exactly Who You’d Expect Them to Be

No really, it does. From Billboard via Celebitchy:

โ€œ17.34 combined inches,โ€ so it says on their website. Pall [Alex Pall of the Chainsmokers] clarifies: โ€œOh, thatโ€™s our penises combinedโ€ฆ tip to tip.โ€

Someone (SOMEONE fromย Billboard) decided that we needed to know more about hit EDM-duo,ย The Chainsmokers, but this was so terribly misguided. Their responses were already known, purely based on their choice in outfits. But it’s my job to tell you what they said, so here we go.

These dudes LOVE to party. They feel guilty about it, but they do it anyway. Drew Taggart, the babyfaced boy of the duo, shares:

We rage every night. My momโ€™s going to hate reading that, but she already knows.

His bearded bro and obvious best friend, Alex agrees!

Itโ€™s always โ€˜work hard, play hard.โ€™ But youโ€™ll never see us getting carried out of a club. Weโ€™re way too good at drinking.

We’re a drinking team! A dynamic dance duo of dreams! We do everything together. Nothing can stop us:

Only Justin Bieber and Drake can hold a candle to what weโ€™ve done.

And they’ll let it go to their heads too. No problem. When Weezer and Big Sean ignoredย their texts, but came back when they had found their success. Taggart disses them in a word:

Thirsty.

But truly they know they’re not one of a kind. Asked to describe their brand, Pall starts:

Itโ€™s like if LMFAO just started makingโ€ฆ

No one can stop Taggart when he wants to interject:

โ€ฆthe illest sh-t and stopped dressing like idiots.

And what I’m getting here is that these two bastards are in no way self-aware. They’ve got awfully big heads after bombing the VMAs and have nothing really but excuses. Taggart jumps in again:

It sounded like sh-t. We were told my voice was going to be mixed well, but there was no reverb and it was way louder than the track for the broadcast. I was set up to fail. Nearly every other person lip-synced it, and we knew because we had them in our ears. So now I know why you lip-sync.

But thank goodness for these guys they have moms.

Everyone said congratulations, and my mom was like, โ€˜Keep up with your singing lessons.โ€™

But they’re not out here trying to make a difference. When asked why they did this, Pall said all we needed to know about him:

Even before success, p-ssy was number one. Like, โ€˜Why am I trying to make all this money?โ€™ I wanted to hook up with hotter girls. I had to date a model.

And ultimately… they are what they say they are:

Weโ€™re just frat bro dudes, you know what I mean? Loving ladies and stuff.

Keep making music, dudes.

[H/T Celebitchy]

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