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Texas Rangers Will Help Find Tom Brady’s Missing Super Bowl Jersey

Tom Brady won his fifth Super Bowl last night, but he lost the jersey he was wearing. So how do we really know that was him under center?

Dan Patrick, the Lieutenant Governer of Texas, will not stop until he gets to the bottom of this jersey theft, and he’s called in CHUCK NORRIS to get the answers. Unfortunately, Chuck Norris has better things to do, so the Lt. Governer has to settle for some normal ass Texas Rangers.

Here is Patrick’s full statement:

“In Texas, we place a very high value on hospitality and football. Tom Brady’s jersey has great historical value and is already being called ‘the most valuable NFL collectible ever.’ It is important that history does not record that it was stolen in Texas. I’ve called Colonel Steve McCraw to ask that the Texas Rangers work with the Houston Police Department in this case. I’m a Texans and Cowboys fan first, but the unquestionable success of the Super Bowl in Houston last night was a big win for our entire state and I don’t want anything to mar that victory. Whoever took this jersey should turn it in. The Texas Rangers are on the trail.”

My first suspect would be Grady Jarrett, who harassed Brady all night and practically wore that Patriots #12 for most of the game. After that, I’d look at Roger Goodell. He can use this as a reason to claim that the game never happened and Super Bowl 51 will go down as a “no contest.”

Let this be a heads up to anyone wearing a Tom Brady jersey today. Expect to be questioned.

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