Chris Martin Wants to Do Charlize Theron Which Makes Gwyneth Paltrow Sad

Coldplay frontman Chris Martin has aimed his British penis at Charlize Theron and set it to ‘woo’. All systems go. Possible obstacle at 12 o’clock: Gwyneth Paltrow and her vagina eggs.

Martin supposedly wrote a song just for Theron to show her some romance before the ol’ in n’ out. At a Newport Beach fundraiser (how very Hollywood), his song included the lyrics:

The purpose of this song / Is to tell you that you’re adored.

Nice to see that the Coldplay singer hasn’t lost his power to bore.

Since Theron and Paltrow are good friends (which is how Chris met Charlize), this has left Paltrow feeling “frozen out.” Surely GOOP has a nice article she can read about your ex-husband dating your good friend. Maybe Paltrow needs to steam her vagina more. Get those old wrinkles out.

Radar’s source says “this development makes things more than a little awkward.”

Another source adds that since both Martin and Theron are single parents “juggling busy careers” and “passionate about charity work,” it’s a good match. Martin’s got his kids, daughter Apple and son Moses, while Theron has son Jackson and daughter August. The kids are all similar ages. There’s one girl and one boy from each parent. Even Chris, 40, and Charlize, 41, are similar ages. This actually seems like a good match.

Take this with a grain of salt though. Supposedly, Chris is still dating Annabelle Wallis, a 31-year-old English actress from the show Peaky Blinders. She’s blonde just like almost every single woman Chris has dated, so you know his type now.

Also, Charlie’s dating The Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane, 43. Unless they broke up and we haven’t found out.

Maybe Theron and Martin just hooked up. A guy and his guitar, it works every time.