Here’s a Nasty Story About a Guy Jerking Off and Fathering Cockroaches With His Sperm

Just when you thought the world couldn’t get any weirder…

One Redditor on a throwaway account (of course) wrote about a very sickening masturbation experience. Or experiences. “MonsantosXKL” posted to /r/tifu. This requires a paragraph by paragraph retelling.

So I know most people masturbate in the shower or in the toilet but I’ve always done it in bed. I am living with my parents so I guess I just like the privacy of my room. Then – and this is what I now realize is me being a fucking weirdo – when it was time I would just pull up the blanket, roll over to the side a bit and cum onto the wall/below the bed. I never really thought much of it and it never smelled bad so I just kept doing it because it was easy… Nobody noticed and people seldom visited my room anyway.

Umm, that’s a warning sign right there, spooging on your own wall.

…for a couple of weeks I started doing it every day, sometimes a few times a day. This usually wouldn’t be anything out of the ordinary for a teenager but since I was always ejaculating on my wall/bed I began to get a bad cockroach infestation there.

Uh oh.

…eventually I read up on the internet that cockroaches like to live in dark, moist places in the house and that made sense… At first I felt really disgusted. I wanted to exterminate them but I definitely didn’t want my parents to find out what happened, so I tried to kill them by flicking them into a bowl of water and watching them drown. But then I felt really bad.

I never knew you could kill cockroaches in water. Is this true? They supposedly survive anything. Anyway…

I don’t know why but it felt like murder. I didn’t really dislike the cockroaches. I had never even seen cockroaches before and they were kind of interesting. So I decided to stop killing them and kind of just let them be for like a week (at this point I finally began masturbating in the shower). I know this sounds really weird but I kind of began thinking of them as my children

..Your children…Your hard-shelled, winged, s**t-eating children.

It started out as a joke-thought but then it got more serious. Like, they were literally borne out of my sperm… so in my mind it made sense that they were my offspring in a way.

SMH.

I used to bring them food and stuff from the kitchen and play with them by moving them around the room or letting them crawl on me and I just got really emotionally attached to them for a while even though they were obviously just insects.

I can’t even.

Then my parents found out. I think my dad saw one in the kitchen and immediately freaked out and called the exterminator the same day while I was at school.

This dude’s parents committed genocide.

So we had to move out for about a week to an Airbnb and I was really depressed the entire time but I couldn’t tell them why. They thought I just didn’t like the Airbnb.

Who wouldn’t be depressed when their little sperm monsters couldn’t crawl around on their arm anymore?

I can’t even imagine harvesting a world of cockroaches from a mini-lake of my sperm. Then, letting those cockroaches crawl around my arm because I felt like their father or something.

This story is insane.

Most insane is ejaculating onto your own wall. That seriously will ruin your drywall.

[Image: Flickr/SlappyTheSeal]