You Probably Wouldn’t Understand Karlie Kloss’ Vogue China Shoot

Karlie Kloss covers the June 2017 edition of Vogue China. Her spread was shot by Roe Ethridge and features her wearing the designs of, to name a few, Rick Owens, Comme des Garcons and J.W. Anderson.

Now, to some of you, those words I just wrote may make sense. However, to probably most of you, the pictures that those words describe make absolutely none. Don’t worry, my little fashion idiot. I’m here to explain it to you. You see, besides being witty, charming and devilishly handsome, I’m also a fashionista… or fashionisto. Whatever the guy equivalent of that is. Is there one? Maybe that word is gender fluid like Jaden Smith. Anyway, the point is that even though I’m smarter than you, I’m willing to help. Allow me to guide you through the world of fashion.

This one really needs no interpretation. Chinese people like red so they threw this in there in exchange for not being taken to a re-education camp.

Ah, yes. This is an interesting one. This rubber-looking ensemble pays tribute to the hard working farmers of rural China. It says “we may make $0.50 an hour but that doesn’t mean we can’t look stylish doing so.”

History lesson: According to Matt Damon’s thrilling documentary, The Great Wall, China invented gunpowder. Hence why Karlie is wearing half an explosive ordinance disposal suit. Fun fact: We in the industry just call it a bomb suit.

In this one, Karlie is a human chessboard. It’s a subtle way of saying, “You can play with me, but only if you use your brains.” Smart is sexy, people.

You have to have an outfit for every occasion and in China, sometimes it rains. C’mon. That one is easy.

Here, Karlie is channeling The Flying Nun. Except her version is more sinister. Someone must have really liked the show.

Karlie Kloss just took her first metal shaping class. It did not go well. Her exasperated expression tells the story.

Karlie really wants to go swimming. But she also wants to be fashionable. This photo is the juxtaposition of those two feelings.

This one has me a little stumped as it seems as if it were an outtake. One in which the photographer said, “Hey, Karlie. Think fast,” as he hurled a camera at her head.

This blowup sumo suit is merely a statement. A statement that says, “Even fat, I’m still hotter than you.”